SugarHiccup~Hiccup

It's Official: MyTruthLoveEnergy

2009-02-12T17:35:00.003-05:00

My new blog is now located at http://www.My.TruthLoveEnergy.com

I hope you will follow me there and subscribe, comment, and let me know you are still with me.

XOXO
Troy

The Time May Have Come

2009-01-29T00:22:00.009-05:00

It's an experiment... but it might just stick.

I may be leaving Blogger to use my own domain to host my blog.

Please check out my new Wordpress installation and let me know what you think.

http://my.truthloveenergy.com/

This move is not just some random creativity, but part of an overall intention that I hope contributes to a pivotal 2009 in terms of my steps toward wholeness, well-being, and the publication of my first books.

Wish me luck!

But seriously... let me know if you love or hate it the new digs.

Troy

DREAM: I Don't Eat Squirrels and Kittens!

2008-12-21T11:14:00.001-05:00

More bizarre symbolism in the realm of dreams continuing...

I dreamt I was at the grocery store and standing at the counter for, I think, a bakery section. Next to it was the butcher section. Somehow my order for whatever I was getting from the bakery got mixed up with the butcher and he started talking to me as he chopped something. I could see that it was the limp body of a squirrel. He chopped off the legs, the head, and the tail so that there was only left this horrible, gray, wet tube of a body. He started cutting up a second one. I started to intervene, but the butcher was so clueless and thinking he was being so nice to make it all wrapped up for me... so I just smiled and tried to be polite. (NOTE: that would never happen in waking life. I would have said something immediately.) I just kept thinking, Well, I will get my stuff from the bakery and take what this butcher gave me, but hand off what the butcher gave me to someone else who would want it. The butcher had struck up conversation with me and I was politely exchanging with him, wishing I could just hurry up and get out of there. He had said something about kittens and I took it as an opportunity to speak up about how much I love animals. The butcher said, "Well, let me see... I think we have some around here," and he started sliding open panels behind the butcher case. He smiled all big and said, "Oh. HERE!" and pulled out a limp kitten. Before I could even realize what he was doing and what he was holding, he had chopped off the head. The body kicked. It had still been alive! He then reached under for another and pulled out a second kitten! He said, "I'm really sorry, but this one is feral. It might be a bit tougher." My mind was having a hard time wrapping around what was happening, He struggled to hold the kitten as it spit and clawed and fought him. The butcher's rubber gloves gripped the kitten by the ears, pulled them back so that the eyes were all stretched out, and he maneuvered the kitten to be on its side on the butcher block. That's when I finally freaked out. I screamed. I wailed out. I could barely scream out my words intelligibly, but I was screaming, "Oh my god! WHY! Why do you do this! How can you people eat these animals and hurt them like this!! If you don't understand how insane this is, you ARE insane!!" and on and on and on... until I woke up.

It was really intense and upsetting in the dream, and so NOT how I would have handled it in waking life, but it was cathartic and disturbing.

Now, I know I have phases when I dream things that are graphic, horrific, and bizarre, but I have yet to really grasp WHY! I mean, these are so weird!!

NOTE: I had watched part of ZODIAC, the movie about the "Zodiac Killer" of California's past. When detectives got a warrant to investigate a suspect's trailer home, it was swarming with squirrels inside. The imagery was striking, so I think part of my dream was influenced by that.

Mostly, I think this dream plays out my undercurrent of frustration for being forced to be polite, kind, and enduring around people whom I love, but who do not grasp the true horror of what they do when they eat animals. I don't realize it, but I imagine this forces a difficult skew within me as I accommodate the majority of apathy and ignorance for the suffering of animals, while living in a constant tortured state of wishing I could abolish all forms of cruelty and exploitation. I suppose this dream was helping to release that which I cannot in my waking life.

DREAM: Watching You Watching Me

2008-12-20T13:28:00.000-05:00

I seem to have continued this bizarre theme from LAST TUESDAY...

I dreamt that I had my laptop in my bed with me and had fallen asleep with it on my nightstand. I had been using SEESMIC earlier and involved in various video conversations, so I had left the site up and the laptop had gone into its "sleep mode."

Suddenly the laptop burned back into life and lit up the room. Because the room was so dark, I couldn't see beyond the array of light from the screen. Seesmic was still up in the browser and a new video had refreshed in to a conversation I had been in earlier and it started playing... one of my Seesmic friends was laughing and saying, "Okayyy, Troy, what was THAT about?" and from my half-sleep I thought, I don't know, what is she talking about. Then another video refreshed into the conversation and another Seesmic friend said, "Uhh, Troy, did you leave your camcorder running? Ha ha..."

So now I sat up a bit and pulled the laptop to me to see what they were talking about... In the video thread of conversations I saw that there were two videos posted by me in the past 10 minutes, but I had been asleep! I played the first one back: it was just a 2 or 3 minute video of my empty chair at my office desk. I thought, wow, DID I somehow leave the cam running? But then, how did it post?

I played the next video: Now the camera dismounted and it wobbled to show movement. Still no one in the video, but the view was the camera being carried away from my desk and toward my bedroom door. That's when I became slighly paralyzed with confusion and panic, but before I could really consider what I was seeing, another video refreshed into the timeline on Seesmic and it was another post from "me!" I clicked to play it: this time, I was IN the video... sitting in my bed, lit only by the light from my laptop screen.

I cannot express to you the terror that coursed through me as I realized what I was seeing! I looked up from the laptop and toward my bedroom doorway... my eyes had to adjust, but as I strained through my panic to see what was there, I finally made out... a blinking red light from my camcorder, being held there, recording me... and I could only barely make out the silhouette of someone just standing there... holding it.

Before I could react, the video timeline refreshed and several videos began playing, each person saying, Oh My GOD Troy, GET OUT OF THERE! GET OUT OF THERE!! I had no idea where to go, how to run, or what to do...

And I woke up.

YIKES!!

DREAM: I'm Only Here To Love You

2008-12-16T12:51:00.000-05:00

For some of you who actually read my blog, you know I have wild dreams and often they are bizarre and even apocolyptic and dark. Such a contrast to my daily life, which is like a mix of high-comedy skits and cartoon antics laced with I Love Lucy moments.

Well, last night I had one of the strangest dreams I've ever had and I have a feeling it was prophetic in some way, so I am archiving it here. I've discovered over the years that peppered throughout my journal are near-LITERAL dreams that I find only years later had some serious relevance to my daily life. The most recent being, of course, my dream about wandering around in a foreign country, looking for my heart/love, and feeling a state of anxiety I likened to suffocation/drowning... fast-forward 4 years into the future and I am living in The Netherlands because I followed my heart for love and I am dying in a hospital bed from Pnuemonia!

So my dream last night may have some significance, though I have a feeling it might be more symbolic in the end... but you never know, so here goes:

I dreamt I was living in a home from my past, during High School, back in Indiana. I woke up in the middle of the night and the experience was desperately-vivid, lucid. I was awakened by the realization that SOMEONE was in the room with me. I was still for a moment as I tried to figure out what to do. The panic was controlled, but it was like a terrifying short-circuiting and it was blinding. I had no idea what to do... so I suddenly LEAPT from my bed, throwing back the covers and grabbing a netting I had been working on from the floor.

(In the dream, this netting was some kind of project I had been working on and it was made from recycled materials; sort of like the plastic circles used to hold six-packs together, woven into a large net).

I grabbed up the netting and just started swinging it hysterically and screaming out for my mom. I ran from my bedroom, through the living room, and into the kitchen just outside of my parents bedroom, screaming for help. My mom casually stepped out into the dim glow from the windows and asked what the hell was wrong with me. I know I was speaking, but having a hard time expressing that I knew someone was in my room. She said, hold on, calm down, let me help... and she grabbed a pair of scissors from the kitchen counter; meat scissors.

At first I thought she was going to go with me back to my room and help me confront this intruder, but then I felt a tug on the netting I was carrying and I glanced down to find she was holding parts of it and CUTTING IT APART! I remember feeling completely lost and abandoned by her not taking me seriously and only using the opportunity to do something hurtful (which is clearly a fragment of memory from the abuse I did endure from her). I tugged the netting from her and, shaking, stepped back toward the living room toward my bedroom, trying to ignore my mom's laughing at me and dismissing my terror.

As I stepped into the living room, lightning flashed from outside and cast shadows for several seconds... long enough for me to see the silhouette of a man cast onto the wall outside of my bedroom! The shadow of the man was holding a shovel. For some reason, I lashed out again hysterically, swinging the net and rushing toward my bedroom doorway, entering, and slamming in to the guy standing there. I just kept swinging this net and hitting and banging in to this guy. He grabbed my shoulders and said, "Calm down, CALM down..." he said this in severe whispers, pressing his mouth close to my ear. He shook me and said to LOOK at him... I calmed down enough for him to say, "I LOVE YOU. I've always loved you. I've been following you and I finally found you. I just wanted us to be together and tell you I love you."

I stayed calm long enough for him to say all of this... and then he kissed me. The kiss was soft, electric, and melted into me. He stood for a second and looked at me while I tried to make sense of what was happening. He smiled as if he knew I would understand... and then I freaked out on him again and started screaming and flailing and hitting him and swinging the net at him, so he dashed to my window, straddled the window sill, and smiled back at me, disappearing out into the darkness.

I ran over to my window and slid it shut, pressing my face up against the glass to see if I could see where he had run off into the rain...

Then I sat on my bed and realized the shocking mix of deep recognition of this person and the absolute, soothing effects from his whispers and his kiss, with the terrifying idea of someone finding his way into my personal space just to prove something to me. I sat for a long time, completely at a loss as to what to do or what to feel, but kept playing that kiss and his trying to calm me down, over and over in my mind... until I fell asleep again.

The sun was shining into my room when I awoke and for a brief moment I realized that I must have been dreaming the experience from the night before... until I saw my cut-up netting lying sprawled across my floor.... and then realized that I had an arm holding me from around my waist from behind, with a body spooning warmly against me.

I shot out of the bed and slammed my back against the door to look back at my bed and see this man had come back through my window in the night and had crawled into bed with me, holding me. Again, I felt the rush of pure satisfaction and recognition, mixed with the horror of this happening at all!

Before I got a chance to scream or freak out any further, he got out of my bed, straddled the window sill again, and was smiling patiently at me, looking back at me and saying, "You shouldn't be scared. I'm only here to love you." He played whimsically with a flap in the screen where he had apparently sliced it, and said, "Sorry about the screen. You should just leave your window open next time." And he slipped away...

And I woke up in my "real" room and sat up, looking around at my windows, walls, doorway, listening, and adjusting to the dark and shadows and sounds... and feeling that same mix of horror and the warm remembering of a love I almost forgot, but that hadn't forgotten me, and had found me again.

The symbolism in this dream is rich, but there's something prophetic about it, too... I can feel it.

We'll see...

VLOG: What I Saw Tonight (parts one & two)

2008-12-14T02:06:00.002-05:00

Tonight, my friends Priscilla and Nick and I went to le Poisson Rouge for a last-stop performance from MY BRIGHTEST DIAMOND and CLARE & THE REASONS. I was only a peripheral fan, but I was moved by the flawless ebbs and flow between playful dances and dark pleasantness. I fell in love with both bands and am now a permanent fan.

This is what New York is all about... I am so happy to be able to swim in the aural bliss of such creative people from our world.

VLOG: What I Saw Tonight (part one) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

VLOG: What I Saw Tonight (part two) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

VLOG: 120108

2008-12-01T19:29:00.001-05:00

VLOG: 120108 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.
Just an update about my MRI and XRAY results; my new PONCHO!! and an encouragement toward more video exchanges. The end credits cut off a letter, so they should read "share" and "cocteauboy."

http://seesmic.com and http://tokbox.com

Search for CocteauBoy on each and add me!

CocteauBoyTV: Special Edition

2008-11-17T00:47:00.000-05:00

I hope the video says it all...

CocteauBoyTV: Special Edition from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

NATIONAL DAY OF PROTEST against H8

2008-11-15T12:25:00.001-05:00

As a citizen of the United States and as someone who feels the importance of standing for equality and rights for all people, I invite each of you to take part in THE NATIONAL DAY OF PROTESTS across America against Prop 8.

This is not just a Gay Rights issue, but a CIVIL RIGHTS issue.

FOUR States have written in to Constitutional Law the identification and categorizing of a specific group of people having less rights than other groups. Even if it might not affect you directly, it is still important to stand in support because your group could be next. This removal of the rights for minorities cannot be tolerated.

We fought this kind of crap in the '60s when Blacks were LEGALLY identified as sub-human, and had no rights to marry, or to marry outside of their race, even suffering the wrath of religious condemnation as "Immoral." Now that seems absurd and archaic. Yet it's happening again. THIS is no different.

And just because this is not as public as a fight for the right to vote, does not mean this is a matter to dismiss. In fact, this is more insidious because these laws are reaching into the private lives of individuals and taking their rights away and exercising control over the most intimate levels of life.

PLEASE come out and stand for equality, Saturday, November 15th across the United States.

JOIN THE IMPACT/Transform the H8

If you have a cam and a mic, PLEASE join the conversation at SEESMIC:

CocteauBoyTV: Racism vs Prejudice

2008-11-14T15:15:00.000-05:00

Whoops! I almost forgot to post this to my blogs!

Episode Six: Racism vs Prejudice from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

VLOG: 103008

2008-10-30T11:20:00.000-04:00

Today's Vlog! I talk about Mayhem, Medicine, and MURDER! And my new reading glasses!

Vlog: 103008 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Assassination Plots

2008-10-28T10:41:00.001-04:00

Several weeks ago, before the DNC, I had a huge influx of psychic static that led me to be very concerned about a potential assassination of Obama. In addition to my psychic static, I suddenly found that a fellow MySpacer had been privy to a band of people on their way to DNC to do just that. So I was very worried. During the DNC, a handful of fools were arrested for plotting the assassination. I was convinced that this was not what I had sense was on the horizon and that these were just some doofus middle-american ass-wipes with guns. The sense I had was of a fairly elaborate network planning this, not these dorks.

But who knows... these could have been the planned patsies who bumbled the whole plan and ruined the more elaborate plan?

By the way, the reason I call this "psychic static" is because it wasn't like a clear sense or some kind of distinct information; it was more like... static. Like an electrical charge with tons of bits of information that hadn't taken form. It was really unnerving and I didn't really know what to do with it, so I wrote about it. After the fact, I suspect this energy was some kind of charge created from among a lot of people who are consciously or unconsciously anxious about this possibility. It would be devestating. Another suspicion, of course, is that it was just my own static and anxiousness, but I've had years and years of self-exploration regarding these types of experiences, so I was recognizing this as something far more than just my concerns. But I'm not above it having just been my over-active imagination.

So the reason I'm writing about this again is because yet another assassination plan was unraveled in the past day or so. This one was pretty elaborately-planned and is closer to what I had sensed was in the works, but... I'm reporting in that I'm pretty sure this is STILL not what I had sensed.

I'm beginning to wonder if the "static" was less about conscious or unconscious anxiety and more about the fact that there is an electrical storm of tiny, idiotic, puffed up plans coming in from all over the country, churning up from small groups and tiny minds everywhere. I am beginning to see this option as being pretty fair to consider.

I'm also wondering if these busts will lull American public into a false sense of trust in the forces that will make sure this doesn't happen... I don't know. But I'm still uneasy.

I haven't had any experiences again like I did in that week before the DNC. No static. No swarms of disembodied presences... I'm back to the normal, random sightings, nothing unusual (for me).

I just thought I'd chime in about this recent bust. From what I understand, there isn't even any evidence to support the boasts of these goons. Just a lot of talk...

That's another issue I wonder about: as much as I despise these people with violent plans and hateful talk, are we now imprisoning people based only on speech? This could be a big problem for our future, if that's the case.

VLOG: 102308

2008-10-23T12:03:00.003-04:00

Sharing my menagerie of the day, and talking about how LuLu got steamed, the upcoming YouTube Gathering at Bryant Park (details below), and asking you about your feelings about the saturation of the Social Network/Presence wave...

CocteauBoy VLOG: 102308 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.
YOUTUBE GATHERING DETAILS

Saturday, October 25, 2008
2:00 - Bryant Park. On 6th Ave. (Ave. of the Americas) between 40th and 42nd St)

7:00 - Blaggards Restaurant and Pub. 8 W. 38th St. (between 5th & 6th Ave.)

VLOG: 101808

2008-10-18T09:21:00.000-04:00

I woke up to a wonderful morning and I wanted to share! I also wonder how you deal with doctors who treat you like shit.

NOTE: Sorry about the mic rattling. I had it sitting on my laptop and it picked up the vibes.

VLOG: 101808 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

VLOG: 101508

2008-10-15T10:13:00.002-04:00

I'm BAaaack! And Bigger Than EVER... (literally)

VLOG: 101508 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Oprah Episode: My Response

2008-10-14T20:07:00.001-04:00

Okay, I just finished watching the Oprah episode and I am embarrassed I even considered that she might actually try to make a difference and even more embarrassed that I encouraged people to watch it. The entire episode dismissed the concept of anti-slavery (veganism/vegetarianism) as some sort of personal, religious preference and not a no-brainer step in evolution and as a solution to the suffering of animals. Big DUH on that one, people. This must be what the abolitionists of the past must have felt like while watching morons discuss more efficient forms of enslaving Blacks. The solution is compassion and freedom. NOT a few more inches of chain or cage. Some bitch even went so far as to showcase how "humanely" she raises VEAL! And described it as doing so "the way mother nature intended." WHAT!!! These are monsters. Who in their right mind could possibly think that depriving a baby of nutrients, forcing them into anemic states to keep their muscles from forming, is some part of "mother nature's" intention!

People really suck sometimes. Really suck.

Oprah = FAIL!

Hang On To Your Hats

2008-10-14T01:39:00.002-04:00

Let's not be too quick to assume our country, government, and our people are immune to the situation similar to that which erupted in Argentina. I mean, Bush has ordered an active unit of combat troops to be stationed inside the US to serve as an "'on call' federal response in times of emergency," specifically for use in case of "civil unrest" and for "crowd control."

This is a first in American history.

The unit chosen for this task is the Army's Third Infantry Division's First Brigade Combat Team which has spent thirty-five of the last sixty month in Iraq.

They're here now and training for "domestic operations."

Hang on to your hats...

Troy

WATCH OPRAH TODAY!

2008-10-14T00:06:00.001-04:00

Check your local listings for OPRAH and record it and/or watch it today, October 14th.

The reality of cruelty and suffering in farm animal production has finally made it to about as mainstream as it can get. It's going to be showcased on OPRAH. This means it will be white-washed, cleaned up, and easy to explore without having to face the horrors that help put those dead bodies on the table.

This OPRAH is in light of the current Proposition 2 in California up for debate and vote, which would stand to AT LEAST alleviate a great amount of suffering and create protections for these animals, along with increasing support for family farmers who have been affected by the powerful movement of Factory Farming.

Please set your Tivo's, DVR's, VCR's, or plop your booty down in front of Oprah tomorrow, Tuesday, October 14th (check your local listings). Though this is a vote that is up in California, it affects everything about us as a people. It's a first (very tiny, but important) step toward opening up to our humanity and compassion to other species, AS WELL as toward each other and the Earth. Can you imagine what kind of world we might live in if we cared enough about the quality of life for a Chicken or a Pig... it would be very hard not to care about each other or about others who are so different from what we find familiar.

Please... just tune in and see what you think and feel. I have no idea if she is going to derail the proposition, or push for it, but at least it's being discussed.

PROP 2 FACTSHEET

Below are some key facts of the proposition:

This November 4, Californians should vote YES! on Prop 2 – a modest measure that stops cruel and inhumane treatment of animals, ending the practice of cramming farm animals into cages so small the animals can't even turn around, lie down or extend their limbs.

Voting YES! on Prop 2...

Prevents cruelty to animals.
It's simply wrong to confine veal calves, breeding pigs, and egg-laying hens in tiny cages barely larger than their bodies. Calves are tethered by the neck and can barely move, pigs in severe confinement bite the metal bars of their crates, and hens get trapped and even impaled in their wire cages. We wouldn't force our pets to live in filthy, cramped cages for their whole lives, and we shouldn't force farm animals to endure such misery. All animals, including those raised for food, deserve humane treatment.
Improves our health and food safety.
We all witnessed the cruel treatment of sick and crippled cows exposed by a Southern California slaughter plant investigation this year, prompting authorities to pull meat off school menus and initiate a nationwide recall. Factory farms put our health at risk—cramming tens of thousands of animals into tiny cages, fostering the spread of diseases that may affect people. YES! on Prop 2 is better for animals—and for us.
Supports family farmers.
California family farmers support YES! on Prop 2 because they know that better farming practices enhance food quality and safety. Increasingly, they're supplying major retailers like Safeway and Burger King. Factory farms cut corners and drive family farmers out of business when they put profits ahead of animal welfare and our health.
Protects air and water and safeguards the environment.
The American Public Health Association has called for a moratorium on new factory farms because of the devastating effects these operations can have on surrounding communities, spreading untreated waste on the ground and contaminating our waterways, lakes, groundwater, soil, and air. Prop 2 helps stop some of the worst abuses and protects our precious natural resources. That's why California Clean Water Action and Sierra Club-California support YES! on Prop 2.
Is a reasonable and common-sense reform.
Prop 2 provides ample time—until 2015—for factory farms using these severe confinement methods to shift to more humane practices. Arizona, Colorado, Florida, and Oregon have passed similar laws. The Humane Society of the United States, the ASPCA, hundreds of California veterinarians, including the California Veterinary Medical Association; California family farmers; the Center for Food Safety, the Consumer Federation of America, the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the United Farm Workers, and the Cesar Chavez Foundation; Republican and Democratic elected officials; California religious leaders; and many others.

We Have To Start Thinking

2008-10-11T18:11:00.004-04:00

I really feel uncomfortable to feel it necessary to promote this, but unless there is evidence against the claims and information shared in these interviews and movies, we really need to wake up, be prepared, and brace ourselves for a huge revolution that seems to be more and more inevitable.

Take your time and really make a concerted effort to understand just what is being presented in these videos. It is terrifying and upsetting, but if we don't wake up, we are in big trouble. Burying our heads in the sand (or in our iPods and iPhones) will not make our lives better.

If you can counter the claims presented here, please do so. This is some tough stuff to contemplate. Take your time. But please... DO take the time.

25 minute interview with Naomi Wolf

the most important 2 hours you will have spent in your recent years

What to do?
We have to reach critical mass in our understanding and efforts together. Please. Please make the time to learn, to think, and to do. Our future, our humanity, and peace on earth are depending on us.

ZEITGEIST MOVEMENT: Critical Mass
THE VENUS PROJECT

I'm Feeling LOW tonight

2008-09-23T14:30:00.002-04:00

It's not what you think... heh heh...

I'm excited to be seeing LOW again tonight! There are several bands I see EVERY time they pass through NYC and this is one of them. LOW is a husband/wife team whose harmonies just send me... along with the dark, political, and deeply emotional, poetic and lyrical melodyscapes, this is one of my favorite bands.

HAND SO SMALL

MURDERER (live)

BREAKER (live)

OVER THE OCEAN (classic!)

I Saw STARS!

2008-09-21T21:30:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my wonderful pal, "Blainewad," we have a bit of footage from the concert last night:

ELEVATOR LOVE LETTER

I'm Seeing STARS

2008-09-19T17:36:00.003-04:00

I am very excited to see STARS again tomorrow night... a precious, lyrical, happy-sad band who can capture the importance of the bittersweet and political.

I Am Voting Obama (and i'm not happy about it)

2008-08-29T04:57:00.012-04:00

Well, the Obama speech is over and no assassination attempt, thank goodness. Yes, they did thwart a ring of bumbling fools who were planning an attempt, but I'm not sure if those were the people I dreamt about. I don't think so. I expect whomever I dreamt about is a lot more intelligent and organized than those meth fools. I'm still keeping my feelers out there... I don't think we are in the clear by any means.

Ugh
I hate that I am posting that

The Obama acceptance of nomination (by acclamation) was historic. I am amazed and thrilled. But my heart's just not in it. I want so much to feel on board with this huge experience... but I can't. The significance of this historic event is drowned out by my distaste for all of the hype, the blind faith, the religiousness, the inane and cloying adulation... the reduction of politics down to an American Idol competition and the reduction of candidates down to the simple mindedness of a choice between the contrived "coolness" of owning a Mac or the manufactured utilitarian, "boring practicality" of owning a PC. This should be one of the most important, historic events of our lives, and it's become nothing but another wave of sheep flocking to what has been marketed as cooler and more popular. Watching the Tweets pour in during Obama's speech tonight made me cringe more than anything as everyone wrote of chills, tears, inspiration, and sexiness (yes, sexiness).

I just. Don't. Get it.

some of us are not so swayed by marketing tactics

Yes, we need to get the Republicans out of control over everything. Yes, they have made a mess of the world. Yes, they would continue to spiral us into a world most of us do not want to experience.

And THAT's why I will be voting for Obama. Not because Obama is a good candidate. If you were to change the color of his skin, he would be no different from any other religious, pandering politician we've ever had. He brings NOTHING new to the table, except skin color, which is, I admit, a hugely significant thing, but come on... he is not the rockstar messiah everyone is making him out to be.

Are you people for real?

Obama's position in politics right now is a result of many people suffering over many years to get to where we are today. HE did not have a thing to do with that! In fact, BUSH has done more to secure Obama's position than Obama, himself!

Oh, and it drives me batty that he is compared to Martin Luther King. WHAT? I'm not even going to go there. To compare the two is an insult to history and to intelligence.

I'm happy to see what he might have in store for us in the years ahead. Let's talk THEN about what he's done, but let's have some maturity here and not be slathering praise on someone who has done nothing but be a typical Democrat and happens to be (part) Black.

Because of Obama's slow slither from being a "Candidate of Change" into being just another candidate, especially with the Biden announcement, a lot of votes for the Democratic Party have been lost. There are a lot of legitimate arguments against voting for Obama, many with which I agree. I've always been on the fence over Obama, and with the Biden announcement, I was convinced he'd lost my vote. After hearing Obama's policies on Gay Marriage and his biblical stances to justify his patronizing homophobia, I was sickened that he is now our only option.

But he's not. So I decided to vote for the Green Party's Cynthia McKinney.

That lasted for a day.

Because, ultimately, it's not about getting into office our candidate of choice (UNFORTUNATELY), but about keeping another one out. If we don't vote for Obama, we lose a lot more than our sense of choice right now... we might literally lose our right to choose a lot of things if McCain gets into office.

See... if McCain wins, it's not just a President who will come into control, but his appointments into seats within the Supreme Court will outlast his office, and the control and impact from that is far greater than our having to grit our teeth and vote for Obama when we wish we didn't feel like we HAVE to. If McCain gets into office, I might never have a chance to vote for anyone beyond the two parties. If Obama gets in, we have a chance to extend our understanding beyond what we have been spoonfed.

are you people for real?

Some of the Obama worshippers are really hostile and angry (frighteningly so) about anyone who doesn't support him, but I think it's just that some people want to retain some semblance of thinking for themselves. We ALL do not WANT an iPhone or a Mac, no matter how cool tv has told us we will be. Or... even if we want one, we want to choose when we are ready, not just because you told us that we should. To express hostility, hatred, and even violence toward those who are anti-Obama, or even on the fence, defeats and contradicts the very reasons you claim to support Obama.

I feel nauseated that I have to vote for Obama. I feel like I am betraying every right I have as an individual to choose whom *I* think is the right person, right party. Politics have now become reduced to an American Idol showcase with a "rock star" finalist. The mentality behind the peer pressure has reduced politics to high school cliques and outcasts.

If you want more Democratic people to vote for Obama, then use educational tactics, conversation, exchange of ideals... but puffing yourself up by ridiculing, berating, hating, belittling, and rejecting those who are just not buying in to the hype is not going to help anybody or anything. In fact, YOU are doing far more to secure McCain's election than any Democratic anti-Obama could do, because you are nailing the nails into the coffin of choice. If you would just pose a fair argument, a legitimate consideration, then I'm sure we could get more people on board.

I have to admit: I don't like Obama. I think we are going to have ourselves a megalomaniac in the White House, even more self-righteous than W, and even more pandering and zealous than we can begin to imagine. We have not seen the extent to which a Christian zealot can make life hell for those who don't align with that belief. He's already flippantly doing it to the GLBT community, even as they worship the scraps of patronizing he tosses to us.

But even that's not why he almost lost my vote.

It's because of YOU: The hyper-sheep who say to vote for him "just because."
Because of YOU: the same people who stand in line for an iPhone.
Because of YOU: the same people who think that New York City is exactly how Sex and The City portrays it.
Because of YOU: the person whose news comes from MTV
Because of YOU: the bored White person with no sense of personal meaning who thinks he/she is being so heroic in your political correctness in voting for a Black person.
Because of YOU: the person who wants to impose his choice upon me through shaming me
Because of YOU: the privileged hipster who feigns political bent, but are only doing it because it's "in."

sad little sheep... for a PHONE?

For the same reason I stay away from the Mac cult, I wanted to stay away from the Obama cult, because I just don't want to look like you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to seem as unthinking and as vulnerable to marketing hype as you do.

Obama is not the next messiah and most people who are turning against him are doing so because of the bullying, superficial marketing tactics, and the sheep-minded mentality that is following him.

None of this is enough to sway me toward losing everything to the Republicans, though, so don't worry. And if you relate to this post at all, I beg you to consider voting for Obama for the same reasons I am.

So.

I'm voting Obama.

But I'm not happy about it.

Next election, we'll talk again.

PS...

I'm not talking about all of you who support Obama. Many of you are wonderful and appreciated and have made some moving points to me, which helped me to feel I am making the best decision I can make. I'm passing along your effects... and for you iPhone and Mac users, calm down. I'm sure you are not one of THOSE users, right?

The World Will (maybe) Change in 5 Days

2008-08-20T15:10:00.004-04:00

WARNING: psychic and metaphysical mumbo jumbo post, so if you already have a distaste for that sort of thing, I would stop reading here or you will just think I am more bonkers than you already think I am. Otherwise, enjoy!

I wasn't going to post anything about this, but then I came across this blog entry and now I'm really floating in a weird, ominous space about it. I don't know if you have to be a friend of that person to read the entry, but if you can't read it, it's basically a recount of a personal experience that ties directly into dreams and premonitions I have been having over the past month or so.

I'VE BEEN HAVING BAD DREAMS

First, some background:

As you know, I am a channel and I have worked with "the dead" and psychic/intuitive phenemona for most of my life in some way. If you don't know my history, remind me to share it with you sometime. After I moved to New York City, I realized that I could not stay in the same kind of psychic mode that I had always allowed myself to have while growing up. For some reason, living among so many people made it very difficult to function on that level. I was exposed to so much "psychic junk" or "mud" that it would literally weigh me down by the end of the day. Gummy, grey and pink stickiness stretched from person to person and it became very difficult to discern the living from the dead among the crowds of people. And then, of course, I started dating and I began to develop even more of a shyness about my work than I had growing up. So it became practical to begin shut that part of my psyche down. To understand what this was like for me, you would just kind of stare straight ahead in any room and focus on what you see in front of you, even though you KNOW there is more beyond your peripheral vision. The more focused you get, the blurrier the peripherals get, but at any point that you want to turn your attention (inwardly or outwardly) to another focus, you can easily do so. It's not like the rest of the room disappeared, but that you just stopped focusing on it. So... that's what I've done most of my life. I compartmentalized that skill of intuition and channeling to a very specific context and turned it off as best I could in my "normal" everyday life.

Last month I went home to Indiana after a visit to Chicago. It never dawned on me that my ability to ignore my psychic side of my brain was fairly dependent on the environment in which I existed. In New York City, if I am just going about my business, it really is hard to tell if I've seen a spirit or a physical person because people just become objects that you navigate. Sure, I sometimes do a double-take and then a cringing inner d'oh! when I see someone crouching in the corner in an ATM vestibule and I realize it's a wandering soul. Just like when you accidentally catch the eye of anyone you don't mean to engage, it becomes an awkward experience and I have to deal with it except with the dead that can sometimes last for days. It doesn't happen very often, thank goodness.

So while I was in Indiana where there is tons of space and fields and highways and corn, imagine my shock as I am speeding along on the back of a motorcycle and a person steps out from the cornfield ahead. My initial reaction was to prepare for a smile and a nod as I zoomed past, but then he "shimmered" (I really don't know how exactly to explain that) and I thought, "Shit! He's dead!" and sure enough his presence faded as we neared, but I knew he knew I had seen him. Luckily I was speeding on and didn't have a chance to get tangled up in that energy. Again, I don't know exactly how to explain that, but in my experience most spirits seem to root themselves within a very small geographic location and don't really go beyond that, which is why a house is "haunted," or certain parts of a large structure or piece of land. There is a reason they are still hanging around or echoing in space and time like that and it's usually associated with people and places from which energy is drawn for all kinds of reasons. However, I also know that if one notices that you can see them, they can willingly shift attention to entangle with you and you can't just shut a door to get away. You have to talk and see if you can help. And sometimes you can, and sometimes you can't. It might seem very anti-Hollywood that I don't make it a big purposeful endeavor to help all of these people/spirits, but you really can only do so much. Imagine living in New York City and feeling obligated to help every homeless, drug-addicted, broken person you came across. If you focus on who you can help, you can help a lot, but if you spread yourself out, you lose effectiveness and power to help at all. So, I help when I can, which is rarer than I would like it to be. Some people have a LOT to work through before leaving and I learned a long time ago that you can't "rescue" a person from himself, whether living or dead.

So after spending 10 days in all of this open space and not being able to ignore this part of my brain (or whatever it is), I came back to New York City with all of my senses on high. It felt good, actually. I forgot that I appreciated that part of me so much and left myself open. And then my apartment became crowded with spirits. Like a bug zapper in the dark, when the dead hear/see that someone from the other side (for lack of a better phrase) is available, they can flock to that sense of light. A lot of people think it's something cool (or crazy) to be able to see the dead, but it's just as rare for the dead to see the living, too. Apparently it takes two. A conduit is very important and I'm not really sure what that conduit is, but I've suspected it's an emotional energy, a perception that bypasses the biased intellectual filters to a form of resonance. But I digress.

At first this crowding was okay because I am fascinated by all of it and I thought I would judge it later, but see what came of it. As usual, my space (psychically and physically) just kind of acted as a spiritual lounge for people to catch their breath (figuratively), grieve, rest, and then move on. I don't know why it works like that, but it does. Maybe someday I will explore that further, now that I am learning to own that part of my life again, but I assume it has something to do with the validation and acceptance that physical life was "real," and that this after-death is just as real. Dying must be like waking up from a really deep dream and for some people that waking up takes a while, especially if they want to remember as much from that dream as possible. So most moved along, but some lingered and those that lingered have done so for a reason.

Which brings me to the present:

Apparently, something is stirring in the probabilities for our future on a pretty large scale and a few spirits are very concerned and trying to make a difference by doing all they can to share that insight with those of us who can pick it up, and any number of other ways I can't think of. In my case, it's been pretty direct information, even though I have done all I could to ignore it up until now.

There is a lot of static, sharp and crackling, in the energy/air and it keeps getting worse. I've had a very hard time working and focusing and part of it is because of that level of rising interference. It's like a cacophony of chatter that is anxious and almost desperate for communication. I've also had several dreams that had me waking up nearly paralyzed and breathing rapidly and heavily. All of them having to do with awful future scenarios and probabilities. I've ignored them, not spoken about them because, my god, what I am I supposed to do with it! I don't know how to make a difference. And no matter how valid or meaningful or tangible my experiences are with spirits and dreams and psychic phenomenon, I always question whether it's my imagination, my creativity, a malfunction in perception and interpretation... I don't know. But then I saw that blog entry and it really scared me, so I thought it should at least go on record, however embarrassing it is to share it, that we might be in for a big ride over the end of this year.

In my dreams, I have seen several different scenarios:

1. I saw Ohio and New York hit by attacks related somehow to Russia. Why Ohio and New York, I have no idea.
2. I saw glowing, burning highlights on a large calendar for the dates of August 25th through 28th.
3. I saw an assassination attempt on Obama's life.
4. I saw random, rampant explosions of riot and attacks on various levels of society that seemed to help bring it all to a halt as way to either make a point, or to completely overhaul the direction in which we are going and to shape it to a small groups' ideals.
5. I saw Bush declaring Martial Law and extending his office beyond his terms.
6. I saw an eventual assassination attempt on Bush's life.

I'm known for having apocalyptic dreams, so it's not surprising to me that I kind of brushed these aside, but now I feel it's important to document them, especially since I realized that the Denver Democratic convention is August 25th through the 28th. That already freaked me out, but then I read that blog entry and even if it's a bogus entry, I was shaken by it's parallel to my private experience.

There are SO MANY reasons I can come up with to help me dismiss all of this. It's not a new concept that Bush might extend his office and it's not an unusual concern about Obama's life considering the potential for our having our first (half-)Black President and our having such an undercurrent of ignorance and racism among middle-americans. I always have epic dreams. It could be a coincidence that I dreamt those dates and that the Denver convention is on those days. It could be that my imagination has gone into overdrive and that there is something completely different happening with my abilities and those have just triggered deep fears and concerns.

Now, the spirits hanging around, I have no problem accepting and claiming as "real" in my experience because that's just been a part of my life for a long time and I've had my proof (like looking up the bio's or obituaries of those who told me their stories). But the predictive, doomsday element is not familiar to me at all. I find predictions to be pretty useless and especially when they have a doomsday bent, but I've also never had this happen to me so strongly, so...

I'm just going on record. Owning it. And MAYBE others have had similar senses, experiences, or even just fears... maybe just bringing the fears to the surface can save our future. Rather than fester into a serious issue among all of our psyches, maybe all we need to do is candidly bring it to the surface for air and let it go?

Maybe that's all it is.

If not, then make sure you have bottled water, canned goods, and flashlights stocked in your homes... yeesh!

The Great Dating Expedition Begins

2008-08-13T01:06:00.010-04:00

There are a lot of people waiting for my blog post about my 20+ year family reunion that took place in Peru, Indiana a couple of weeks ago, but I have video footage that is downright unbelievable and more perfect than any words can be, so I have to make time to edit and upload that... but until then, you get this entry.

IT'S BEEN A YEAR

It's been just a year now since Jip and I broke up after our amazing summer of Love and Hell in Amsterdam. That was pretty tough stuff. Following your heart across the globe only to find a hospital bed that might be your last stop in life is a pretty harrowing and life-changing experience. If you are not up-to-date about that adventure, start here and work your way forward in time. Being the one who almost died, left with a deadly (though scientifically-unsound) diagnosis, a life empty of all possessions, dumped over Skype, and having to learn how to breathe and walk again, I have taken my time getting back into the dating scene. Of course, my wonderful Jip has not only moved on, but had a new, publicly-proclaimed boyfriend within a few short weeks and has now traveled to globe to be with him.

Believe it, or not, I am really happy for him. That boy deserves the world. Especially after all that we went through, but not because of what we went through. He would deserve that love on his own.

It is a bittersweet pleasure to know that he has gone on to find the potential bliss that we thought we might have had, but we transcended our time, space, and pain to make a halfway decent friendship and there's something panoramic... epic, about surviving that kind of thing together.

And, oh, it was NOT an easy transition, so don't get me wrong. I had my tantrums; he had his defenses; we had our tears and our hopes and our despair... and all of that was mixed into our love to set for a while. I still don't think we really know exactly what to do with each other, but we've made the room for what might grow over time, and that is the part that most people leave out when transforming a loving relationship.

It's easy to focus on love when you know what you want from someone because you then do all you can to get it from him or her. But what if you just know you love each other and you are left only to receive what the other person has to give?

That's scary. And most people turn their backs to begin the search for the next prey that might hold the nourishment needed for the heart.

Which brings me to my report about my first steps back into the world of dating and THAT big adventure!

A KISSED-OUT RED FLOAT BOAT

Let me first clarify that I do not "date." This has been mentioned in other entries where I describe "how to be my boyfriend." I don't know how to date. Sure, I can meet you and we can have drinks and get to know each other, but I can't make a "date" date until AFTER that. I like the first Not-Date Date to be just about hanging out and being real. When people feel they are on a Date-Date then the emphasis on sizing each other up as mates is too pronounced; too spotlighted. I don't want to interview you and I sure as hell do not want to be interviewed. Let's just hang out and play and share and if the flirt buttons start to get pushed, then let's talk about a date, but if the energy is flat in the area of romance, then it's a beautiful possibility that we now, each, have a new friend.

And if you are one of those people who think you "don't need another friend," then that eliminates you from my spectrum of potential boyfriends right there. So no worries. You go date and I'll go Not-Date and that's that.

After all that I had been through last year, I was not enthused about being with ANYONE. It wasn't a sorrowful feeling, but a feeling of really needing to take care of myself and be close to my tightest, most-inner circle of friends. I needed that.

But over time, I began to open back up to the world again. I never really shut myself off from the world on any superficial or social level, but on a deeper, psycho-spiritual level I had curled up and held myself as close to me as possible until I felt safe again. It took me a while to feel safe in the world again. The truth is, I'm not quite there, yet, but so much more so than I was even 6 months ago. I'm in no rush. You can't rush something like that.

I've been asked out, flirted with, and had many a sweet and kind message sent to me over the past year trying to persuade me to be available for coffee, for a drink... for a kiss, but I was just not ready.

So imagine my thrill when I was contacted through Facebook by someone who struck my fancy.

IS THAT WIND IN MY SAILS
OR ARE YOU JUST BLOWING HOT AIR
ON MY STINK DOT

An adorable, self-proclaimed geek who found me through a random click to find others who shared an interest in Battlestar Galactica, of all things. The timing was right... and I tweeted that I was going out on my first date (not-date) in a year! Being the playful geek that this guy was, he even joined Twitter and was able to tweet along with me throughout the date what a good time we were having. Yes, that's retarded and really REALLY corny, but THAT is the kind of guy it takes to go out with me. Someone who embraces technology and social networks for the warmth that they CAN be. I don't care what anyone thinks, it was fun bringing my Twitter friends with me on the date-not-date and keeping them in the loop! (Stop rolling your eyes, you.) Besides, it was nice to have that sense of support.

So... we hit it off.

Not surprising, considering my modus operandi. I tend to put off dating, put it off, put it off, and then suddenly I "KNOW" and that's the one... not THE one, but one that has high potential for mutual empathy and friendship and love. (I've never subscribed to the idea of THE one... maybe the ONES.)

All of this happened just a few short days before my leaving for Chicago and Indiana for my work and for my family reunion, so I had a lot to deal with already, but now, I had met this guy (for the sake of privacy, I will refer to him as "my geek"). Regardless of our only having just met, it was a very nice idea to do all I could to make sure my trip was not something that would eclipse our possibilities after my return, so I did all I could to keep in touch over that time. We hung out a couple more times before I left, he met my friends, they loved him, and it all seemed healthy and good. We had our talks about my recent year and my tentative steps back into dating and that was all out and on the table and not an issue.

It was really nice to feel that potential for love and intimacy again, I have to say, but I was not unaware of the need for my continued return to a sense of safety in myself and my life, and I was not about to use someone to regain that sense. If I were to date this guy, I wanted it to be real; not a sanctuary or salve. Knowing my position, he was touched and awed by my intentions.

Over the time I was away, we kept in touch every day and he hung out with my friends over those two weekends and even met Nick for lunch on more than a couple of occasions. I loved this. I love when people like people and I loved that my friends were so inclusive and that my geek was taking such initiative.

When I returned from my trip, who was there to greet me at the airport? My geek! Not only did he show up to escort me safely back home, but he came bearing gifts. Wonderful! He is more than thrilled to see me.

Over this short period time, in fact from the moment he saw me, he had concluded that we were pretty much boyfriends. The me from the past would have easily have done the same, because when you know... you know. And I knew. But I was not ready. Not yet. I needed a little bit of time to continue getting my footing in my life, my work, and also because I just don't feel like diving blindly into ANYTHING right now. This was fine with my geek... at first.

And then the cracks started showing.

A SENSITIVE SOUL
or just
ASS HOLE

On a few occasions, my geek had mentioned that my "taking it slow" was causing him some anxiety and panic. I reminded him that my taking it slow (which was NOT slow in reality) was because it was a form of honesty, which was very important to both of us. I didn't want either of us falling in love with an IDEA of the other, but with each other. I wanted us to get to know each other. By the time of the first crack in my geek, we had only spent three times together. That didn't cause me any sense of alarm because I empathized. I know what it's like to feel insecure and panicked and I wasn't going to make him feel bad for that.

Over the time while I was gone, he made plans for me to meet his friends. Another scoreboard-full of points! I love it when someone I'm dating invites me into his circle and shares me with those who are important to him. I was thrilled.

Small cracks were showing here and there, but nothing of any concern.

I went with him to the cookout hosted by his friends and found it to be a sheer delight. They had gone out of their way to make vegan food, the bouncing conversation and laughs were really comforting, and they said some really nice things to me about their sense of me. I was smitten.

Another friend of my geek had brought his freshly-found date, as well, which I had only known a tiny bit about before the cookout, but knew that it had happened fast and furious over the course of a week or two, already proclaiming each other as boyfriends on Facebook. But "what burns bright, burns fast," and the evening took a short dive into the drama that was apparently brewing between those two and never really recovered. It's always awkward when a couple "fights" in the middle of a group, however discreetly, because everyone can feel it.

My geek and I left the cookout in a long walk home, arm in arm, talking about how it was so nice that we were "going slow," because the sincerity, foundation, and patience were far more preferable to the frenzied, self-indulgent, self-delusional passions that can leave each other (and others) burned out in the end.

One of my geeks concerns came from our not having had sex and from my not having let him stay the night. Not counting the time I was away on my trip, we had really only been dating 3 weeks, so I didn't think this was that big of a deal, and he agreed. I assured him that it had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that we were just getting to know each other. When I really like someone, I don't WANT to go to bed with him right away. I can do that with anyone! Sex is EASY to get. You can do it alone, if you have to, but you can't always find someone who really cares about you, or can hold a conversation about passionate interests, or sit with you silently as you do menial tasks. Foreplay to a really nice relationship starts above the neck for me. It was explained to me by my geek that this was refreshing and exactly why he was attracted to me.

It was going into our 4th week and I was feeling pretty good about taking a deeper dive into the relationship. I was working out my schedule and my sense of space (internally and externally) to make room for the greater possibilities of this relationship. I was smiling in my mind, knowing how happy he'd be that I was going to ask him to stay the night in the coming weekend. He and all of his friends and I were in the middle of many email exchanges planning a Friday playday out at Coney Island and I was going to ask him if he wanted to just stay that Friday night. All was good...

And the he snapped.

Out of nowhere, he sprung upon me a conversation (over the phone) that was inspired by his friend with the drama a the cookout. Apparently, something snapped in my geek that revealed that he was not only unhappy with the "slowness" of our relationship, but that he was REALLY unhappy. He said that he had broken down, crying, sobbing. He then began to spout in lecture-form how he really just didn't think he could do it, hang in there with me, be patient and that he felt that all of his needs were just not being met (in these 3 weeks). He explained that he had suddenly realized that he HAD fallen love, but with an IDEA of me, and not me. He felt that it was important to pull back and to not go forward with the relationship.

Now, considering how on-the-brink I was about taking that dive into the next level of intimacy, you would think this might be upsetting, but it wasn't. It was actually a huge relief! I was so happy for him that he had this realization. THAT was more important to me than our trying to take from each other something we might not be able to give. I told him that I totally understood and that it didn't change a thing for how much I care about him. Awkwardly, he thanked me for this support and expressed a lot of gratitude for my understanding. It was a shock and a surprise, and yes, it was really sad to think that the possibilities of intimacy as boyfriends were all gone now, but it just meant that new possibilities had just arisen and I was fine with that.

The night passed and into the next day... emails and texts were exchanged, lovingly, not only between he and I, but among he and my friends. Everyone was on board and being considerate and supportive of my geek's sudden twist.

And then he snapped... again.

The evening following the "breakup," we were in the middle of a conversation about how he still wanted me to go to Coney Island with he and his friends and that he was so touched by all of the kindness and understanding offered to him by me and my friends... and his pace of speech started to quicken... to get defensive... and he started saying some really odd things, such as "I can only apologize SO much, what else do you want from me!" and some other phrases that I can't remember right now, but they were completely non sequitur and inappropriate, considering no apologies were necessary and I was actually the one doing all I could for him, not asking for a thing in return or expressing any hard feelings! But the conversation stumbled along a bit awkwardly because of these interruptions from his thoughts and at some point we were just about to talk about his falling in love with the IDEA of me and not me (he had been in therapy all evening, so we were briefly going over what he had covered) and suddenly he shouted, "STOP BEING A VICTIM!" and hung up on me!

I thought his hanging up might have been a mistake, so I texted him jokingly about his saying that he could never hang up on me, which was just a silly part of some silly conversation over the weeks before. No response. I called him. No response. I emailed him. No response. A day passes. No response. Now I'm getting worried.

It would be okay if he were upset or angry or something, but I had no idea what had just happened! Now I began to worry for his safety, not really his physical safety, but his mental safety. The next day I write to his friends and say that I know it's a bit uncomfortable that I was writing to them and that I presume I was no longer invited to Coney Island, but could at least one of them write to me just to say that my geek was okay? No response.

Everything had gone dead from his end. Then I noticed he disappeared from Facebook, Twitter, etc. Now I was really worried for him. I wrote one more time to his friends and ask if someone would just let me know if he was okay... nothing more. Just a simple few words, "he's okay." Something.

Nothing.

And then one friend wrote to me. He was brief. My geek had suddenly "freaked out" and had told everyone to not be in contact with me anymore and that I had "really really hurt him."

WHAT THE...??

Okay, so... Okay... umm...

1. I got dumped out of the blue and over the phone.
2. I got told that I was not what someone wanted and that I had just been used as a "prop in a fantasy ideal."
3. I was suddenly cut off with no explanation, no reason, no response.
4. I was the one offering kind, patient support.
5. I was making a fool out of myself to make sure he was okay.

And *I* hurt HIM?

Hrrrmmm...

Does. Not. Compute.

So here's what my genius has concluded, just in case you feel left with a mystery, yourself:

1. Considering the cracks that had begun to show in my geek before even a third date, he was still dealing with some serious self-esteem and needs issues that he really needs to figure out for himself and not use someone else to supply that for him.

2. Considering his feeling threatened by our "slow" pace, he felt it was a clever move to suddenly throw down an ultimatum in a tantrum so that I might react and jump to accommodate him.

3. This went terribly awry for him because I don't respond well to manipulation and I actually took him at his word that this was an important realization for him, offering him my support.

4. In the aftermath of his miscalculation, his anger builds uncontrollably to a point where he can't just admit or talk to me about his miscalculation, but collapses into his self-esteem and issues, blaming me for all of it.

5. To get from his friends what he had wanted from me, he has to tell a tale of rejection and pain that is clearly caused by me.

6. He can't reconcile the delusion he has to impose on his friends with the truth that keeping me around would reveal, so he not only cuts me off from his life, but demands that his friends no longer contact me, either.

7. He remains in that black hole of need, delusion, and self-pity and I'm no longer invited; his friends turn a blind eye to his real needs and just keep it simple by just giving to him what he demands of them.

Mystery solved!

And that's really a fair observation and conclusion and not a defensive one or a catty one. It really is just the only thing that makes sense. It might not be true, but since there is no one to give me the whole story, or the accurate details, then that's all I have is what I see.

And all I can say is, THAT was a close call.

After all of that happened, realizing how dishonest, delusional, needy, and manipulative this person was, I am truly grateful for those cracks and breakdowns to have come sooner rather than later. And I am really grateful to myself for having been honest and true to what I had to offer, what I was able to receive, and that I did not give in to the pressure. I can't imagine the mess I would have had in my life if I had taken on such a disaster ON TOP of my not being such a great catch, myself!

So... I remain single (and, ooohh laa laa, available).

The hardest thing about all of this that has haunted me for days is trying to make sense of it when no sense can really be made. It also haunts me that this person was in my home, in my friends' home, and that I had considered opening my life to him... and he was THAT close to snapping the whole time and I didn't pick up on that?? That bothers me a little.

But one thing that this experience has done for me is to make me realize that I am now really back to myself, enthusiastic, and alive and feeling solid and ready to date (not-date). I am happy with how I handled this and I feel good about having enough confidence and sustenance to care about both myself AND the other person without either losing out. I know my geek may have felt my pace was too slow, but I really don't consider it too slow that we hadn't slept together or stayed the night with each other within a 3 week span. I know it's a very fast-paced world in which we live, but I am NOT some kind of downloadable porn to gratify your needs, and I am NOT some kind of Oprah episode to immediately unkrinkle your bandaged wings.

I'm just me. And I have a lot to offer, even if you don't get it all in one bite.

But that's the nice thing about gifts. They are GIVEN.

You really shouldn't feel you have to take them from me.

So... call me. We'll go out sometime... I'm Datable, I swear!

Worst-case scenario is that you completely cut me off and I blog about how crazy you are. Deal?

EXPLORE ME?
http://www.Profilactic.com/mashup/CocteauBoy

The Music of Muse

2008-07-09T13:21:00.004-04:00

This week was filled with strange dreams involving a couple of my muses in this life: Chris Garneau and Elizabeth Fraser. The truth about these muses is that I have no real idea about their personal lives, their personal integrity, their personal paths... but their art has changed my life. Or maybe I should say, it makes my life better than I imagine it would be without them. Along with several other artists in this life, they have become soundtracks to the inner space of me. And for some reason, I was visited with inspiration this week in the form of both Chris and Elizabeth.

My Chris Dream:

I dreamt I was attending some kind of ballet class for some reason and Chris happened to show up for that same class. I behaved as I would normally behave around someone who inspires me or toward whom I am in awe and I just did what I came to do, letting myself be thrilled, but not letting that spill over to invade Chris's space. But he kept coming up to me and laughing and touching me and engaging me and I felt tremendously at ease. We started acting silly and doing obnoxious dance poses... at one point, I remember his leaving the room and then suddenly spinning through the doorway, round and round and round until he was dizzy! We fell down together laughing, onto the floor against the wall. I realized I was leaning back onto him and that my hand was on his leg. I pulled my hand back and sat up quickly, but discreetly, continuing to laugh with him. Without any awkwardness, he reached for my hand, placed it back on his leg, and pulled me back into him, continuing to talk and laugh with me. It was extremely comforting. He whispered into my ear, "Don't forget. I know you."

My Elizabeth Dream:

I wish I could remember more of this because I NEVER dream of Elizabeth. What I remember is being shocked that she showed up somewhere where I was and that she was looking forward to meeting me! She showed up carrying packages and she was all frenetic and talkative and running around... I remember asking if she preferred to be called "Elizabeth" or "Liz," and she said, "anything, but Lizzy!" and I remember thinking that name had never even occurred to me. I don't remember much more than that, except that we were talking and talking and talking and it was hyper and excited. I do remember one phrase that stood out... she said, "we all end up singing our own lullabies."

So in honor of two of my muses visiting me in my dreams, I am putting together a MuxTape to share! Please take time to listen and enjoy. I've included some lyrics below to help you fall into this space within and maybe hear this music from between the worlds more intimately. So open the playlist into one page, and listen along with this page!

COCTEAUBOY JULY MUXTAPE

Playlist with Lyrics:

Cocteau Twins - MY TRUTH

You become powerful as you are accepting
You can work through the pain or enjoy more pleasure
Commit to the work of both
If you love all this energy, the chemistry

And you can work through the pain or enjoy more pleasure

and you can, you can work
through the pain
or enjoy more pleasure
and you can, you can work
through the pain
and come home to peace

It's frightening, exciting
Something shakes up our old understanding
The truth is more powerful
Are you fools, and confused to say
that I'm not angry

and you can, you can work
through the pain
or enjoy more pleasure
and you can, you can work
through the pain
and come home to peace

I'll remember my secret
I'll write it down and never tell it
It's not more fear outside of myself
that can save me

And you can work through the pain or enjoy more pleasure

Chris Garneau - TRY ME

Go ahead and try things on me
Maybe it'll bring you things you've never seen
It's a try, guaranteed
You can take whatever you need
Only skin remains
The winds blow it away
the guts and my brains
I'm as lonely as a stone
The one left behind
Never picked up and thrown

No more tired, you
I'm sure you love me, you do
You can touch me, still
Try me, then leave me
The way that you will
I can't wait
I can't wait

Just wanna see a beautiful face
One that won't last
But one I can't erase
Like that moon or lunar ambush
Comes in so soon
Turns my dreams to mush

No more tired, you
I'm sure you love me, you do
You can touch me, still
Try me, then leave me
The way that you will
I can't wait
I can't wait

I save everything like files
Your smile
My wounds
Your Dark
And your Light
Your joke
Your smoke
Your lovely
So when do you think we could love?

Told you it's a try, guarantee
I said you can take whatever you need
Come on
Come on
Come on

No more tired, you
I'm sure you love me, you do
You can touch me, still
Try me, then leave me
The way that you will
I can't wait
I can't wait

Cocteau Twins - ROUND

I, I will stay focused
When the thoughts do land
It's positive reinforcement
This sense of movement

This space, enjoy it

It gives me a new sense of progress
To this new life, a capacity to improve
Yes, I will, I will stay focused
When the thoughts do land

This space, enjoy it

This space, enjoy it
because because because...
the wheel turns

This space, enjoy it
because because because...
the wheel turns

Chris Garneau - SO FAR

Like the touch of my mother's hand on my head
I'll miss you, too, when I go to bed
We've ruined all the new pots
And the metal in the egg crate cots
But we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far
No we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far

The dishwasher's on now, cleaning, somehow
The baby bits of hamburger helper that dried too soon
We leave out the milk and it rots
and the mayonnaise that we got from Top's
But we haven't missed a good day of eating good food, yet, so far
But we haven't missed a good day of eating good food, yet, so far

You love good
but I think you should
go home, honey
cuz we haven't got any money

You love good
but I think you should
go home, honey
cuz we haven't got any money

Like the touch of my mother's hand on my head
I'll miss you, too, when I go to bed
We've ruined all the new pots
And the metal in the egg crate cots
we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far
No we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far
we haven't missed a good day of television, yet, so far

Elizabeth and Jeff Buckley - ALL FLOWERS IN TIME BEND TOWARD THE SUN

Elizabeth:
My eyes have baptismal views
I'm singing into my fires for a hand, I'm lost

Jeff:
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there is no one for you
But here is one
Here is one
Here is one

Both:
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one
but here is one

Jeff:
Keep it growing in me
Wicked traveler
Say it ain't farther from me
with your face in my window glow
oh where will you wait for me, sweet willow

Elizabeth:
It's okay to be angry
but not to hurt me
oh darling...

Both:
All flowers in time bend toward the sun
I know you say that there's no one for you
but here is one

Chris Garneau - RELIEF

I saw the sea come in
I saw your good old friend
He walked right past
I'll never ask
I'll never ask again

I saw the sea come in
I saw your good old friend
He walked right past
I'll never ask
I'll never ask again

I love the way you dance
Oh we can work it all out
Don't you miss your chance
The pain, it will all grow out

I heard your good ole word
I heard the things you said
They all shuffled in
As medicine, as medicine in red

I heard your good ole word
I heard the things you said
They all shuffled in
As medicine, as medicine in red

I love the way you dance
Oh we can work it all out
Don't you miss your chance
The pain will all grow out

I didn't go to see the city
I went to see it around you
Oh we can laugh in hell together
The devil will find you, too

Nose to nose
and eyes all closed
This is what I said
would never ever end

Nose to nose
and eyes all closed
This is what I said
would never ever end

I saw the sea come in
I saw your good old friend
He walked right past
I'll never ask
I'll never ask again

Chris Garneau - BETWEEN THE BARS

drink up baby
stay up all night
the things you could do
you won't but you might
the potential you'll be
that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now
and forget all about
the pressure of days
and do what i say
and i'll make you okay
and drive them away
the images stuck in your head

the people you've been before
that you don't want 'round anymore
or that push and shove
and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

drink up baby
look at the stars
i'll kiss you again
between the bars
where i'm seeing you there
with your hands in the air
you're waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time
and i'll make you mine
i'll keep you apart
deep in my heart
separate than the rest
where i like you the best
and keep the things you forgot

the people you've been before
that you don't want around anymore
or that push and shove
and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

the people you've been before
that you don't want 'round anymore
or that push and shove
and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

Cocteau Twins - SEA, SWALLOW ME
no lyrics

Chris Garneau - BLACKOUT

I, I was kidding about the mean things
While we were sleeping
Heat rushed in, Heat rushed
The fan stopped, the fan stopped
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Flashlights in delis
Drinking on the street
All the lights are out in New York City

And it never ever will be
Too damned late
To run inside the market place

I, I'll be quiet then
in middle of you talking
when we're walking
thoughts rush in
those thoughts rush in
the heart stops, the heart stops
oh, oh, oh, oh

Flashlights in delis
Drinking on the street
All the lights are out in New York City

And it never ever will be
Too damned late
To run inside the market place

I sit by the window
and I watch all of the little
raindrops, raindrops
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Dif Juz (featuring Elizabeth) - LOVE INSANE
no lyrics

Chris Garneau - LOVE ZOMBIE

eat and sleep and shun
your mother she's the one
who gets all your goats
and herds them up two hills
with rotten oats

apple orchard goat
the place you loved the most
your holy frightened ghost

your heart
they liked the meat
it was too tough to eat
to chew and grind with teeth
to chew and grind with teeth
your love zombies

and all those men!
you beast!
you beast!
you beast!
you beast!

jeffrey...

Craig Armstrong (featuring Elizabeth) - THIS LOVE

This Love
This Love is a strange love
I'm afraid it can remain love
This Love

This Love
I'm think I'm gonna fall again
And even when you held my hand
It didn't mean a thing
This Love

This Love
Never has to stay Love
Doesn't know it is Love
This Love

This Love
It doesn't have to feel Love
Doesn't need to be Love
It doesn't have to mean a thing
This Love

This Love
This Love
has a strange Love, strange Love

This Love
This Love
has a strange Love, a strange Love
(doesn't have to mean a thing/think I'm gonna fall again)

This Love....

Vlog: Vimeo Meetup 2008

2008-06-30T18:12:00.003-04:00

Vimeo is the best video sharing site online, full of original videos from the most amateur of us to the most amazing professionals, and all of it is set in a context of maturity and support, as opposed to the frenetic teen-minded-haters of YouTube. I love YouTube for a lot of things, but nothing beats Vimeo for its inspiration and sense of community. Not everyone is trying to be all fancy with their videos, but it's clear that most are putting some amount of effort into the creativity, message, and experience of the video, so that even the simplest of the videos is easily appreciated.

So the Vimeo Peeps got together and set up a Vimeo Meetup for all of us local to NYC (though many came from far far away to be there), and we danced our boo-tays off. We had such a nice time.

I didn't know what to expect from the night, so for a long time we stood around, waiting, listening to the music, and enjoying the social atmosphere... but eventually it became clear that this was just... a party! I was expecting some presentation or something, but it was just to socialize and have fun. I met some really sweet, kind people who have some really amazing things on Vimeo. I'll add a few samples below my vlog!

VLOG: Vimeo Meetup 2008 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

OTHER VEEPS:

Zupa HD HDR Time-Lapse from tino stanicic on Vimeo.

These are not mis-sized below. Your mouse should be able to find the PLAY button, and then remove your mouse from the image to see the gorgeous work done here, or just follow the links below each vimeo to see them in their full HD glory at the original site.

Regarding the Nature of Luminance in Ubiquitous Darkness from Karen Abad loves Dinosaurs. on Vimeo.

Memory Bank 120389a from Karen Abad loves Dinosaurs. on Vimeo.

Leading from Christopher Galasso on Vimeo.

Bunny Rescue Mission from Loonachic on Vimeo.

DREAM: Dead Rodents

2008-06-17T12:58:00.003-04:00

I had a very strange dream last night (as if my dreams aren't always strange).

DREAM

I dreamt I was at Cyprus's parents house, even though the house was not recognized and is not the same as her parents' house in waking life, and we were sitting around, watching TV. Her parents weren't her parents in waking life, either. In my dream, they were our friends, Sandy and Larry.

For some reason I decided to go get a blanket from the closet. There was a thin, white blanket, kind of like a jersey sheet, lying on the floor of the closet. I reached for it and it moved. My hand cringed back to me and I looked closer at the blanket. Part of it was disappearing into a space that was between the floor and the wall. I grabbed the blanket and pulled at it. It pulled back! It was like fishing, with a fish tugging at the end of the line. I pulled harder and sure enough, pulled through the crack came a tiny, little mouse. I was surprised by the strength it had. I tugged at the blanket until the mouse let go and then it scurried back into the wall.

I didn't want to make a big deal of this, but I wanted to tell Cyprus that there was a mouse in the house. I carried the blanket with me to the doorway of the living room and waved discreetly to her to come into the other room with me. She did.

In hushed tones, I started to tell her about the mouse. She shifted her weight as she listened intently to me and put one foot on a beanbag chair that was in this sitting room. Suddenly a horrifying odor wafted up toward us and it was the smell of a dead rodent (if anyone has ever smelled this, it is one of the most upsetting smells on the planet). I looked down at her foot on the beanbag and I saw that she had placed her foot on a large, dead, bloated rat! Her foot had squished into the rotting softness and caused the release of those horrible smells!

She freaked out and pulled her foot back, shivering and looking completely disoriented and I just stood there, wide-eyed. There was no hiding our conversation from her parents, so a lot commotion ensued as we dealt with the reality of my finding a mouse and now this dead rat.

I don't remember much of what happened next, but the final thing I remember is eating Twizzlers (strawberry licorice sticks) from a bag on the counter in the kitchen. I leaned against the counter and chewed one up, then reached for another, pulling it from the sticky inside of the bag... I ate it, too. I think Cyprus and her parents were, at this point, dealing more directly with the rodent issue and I was just wandering around, finding these delicious Twizzlers.

I reached for another in the bag and that's when I saw through the clear part of the bag, almost obscured by the lettering and logo, a dead mouse stuck to one side of the inside of the bag!

I started retching...

I woke up.

END DREAM

WAKING LIFE ANALYSIS:

Clearly this was a strange processing of my day, yesterday, because I spent a great deal of it "mouse-proofing" my apartment. I have now seen a mouse in my apartment on several occasions, but very few and far between. I never have a mouse or bug problem, so I don't usually get too concerned about it. I attributed my sightings to the fact that some construction and renovation have been going on in my building that the little mice were just passing through. But I don't want to be a passageway for rodents, so rather than setting traps and killing them (I refuse to do so), I would rather just take preventative measures. I have tried to find every possible point of entry and fill it with steel wool and that expanding foam stuff you can buy from the hardware store. So that's what I did, yesterday.

I think it must have carried over into my dreams.

Now, why they were dead and rotting and playing tug-o-war with a blanket... I don't know!

Vlog: 2 Videos

2008-06-03T22:29:00.004-04:00

Just a couple of videos from recent vlogging...

The update for Cyprus's Boob. A "spiculated density" was found several months ago... this video is another of her on-going followups.

FIRST TRIP (part one)
http://vimeo.com/349632
FIRST TRIP (part two)
http://vimeo.com/349641

SECOND TRIP:
http://vimeo.com/407576

A quick apartment update and some thoughts on CHANGE

OTHER APARTMENT UPDATES:
http://www.vimeo.com/388969
http://www.vimeo.com/599557

30 Things About Me

2008-05-02T02:25:00.005-04:00

I've never done this before, but feel inspired by a friend's entry listing 30 things about herself. It was so much more interesting than I had expected! So, in one sitting, here are 30 things about me that I can think of right now. A lot of this is probably already familiar, and then some parts may be TMI!

01. I am gay

02. I am 100% Vegetarian and 90% Vegan

03. My primary philosophy about life is shaped by the teachings of non-physical Beings by the names of "Michael," "Seth," "Emmanuel," "Lazaris," and "Orin and DaBen."

04. Despite the love and support I have in my life, my best friend EVER was my dog, Pluto, who died after 5 years of friendship from Cancer (he was euthanized in my arms)

05. I am now HIV+ as of last year and am technically "living with AIDS" (though I am perfectly healthy)

06. I have a hard time believing that HIV or AIDS exists as we currently understand it because of the extreme lack of science to support the theories, but now I have to live as if it is true

07. I have now lived in New York City for a total of years that count as nearly half of my life

08. I love "Reality TV"

09. I spend more time with electronics and non-human animals than I do with people these days

10. It bothers me when people call me a "Racist" just because I make legitimate complaints and open commentary about my primarily-Black neighborhood and the issues that obviously plague Black culture (hello, I'm right in the middle of it!)

11. I rarely tell people what I do for a living unless they ask

12. I rarely relate to anyone who does what I do for a living

13. My greatest unfulfilled aspirations are to successfully publish a well-accepted novel and a non-fiction book

14. My greatest fulfilled aspirations are all related to helping people and animals to have and create better lives for themselves

15. I almost died last year in a hospital in a foreign country and spent several days in a coma.

16. Before last year, I have always done anything for "Love." For the first time in my life now, I have genuinely lost all interest in ever feeling that way again. And that's not a bad thing.

17. Most of my guy friends are my ex-boyfriends.

18. I have lost several close women friends because I was not interested in their affections.

19. I lived for 18 years being abused my Mother. Now I have not seen or spoken to her in 22 years. And she has never tried to contact me.

20. I communicate with the dead every day, but I really don't want to die.

21. The greatest ambient influence on my soul is the music of Cocteau Twins and one of the greatest days of life was when I met them... and they knew who I was.

22. After hearing a lengthy speech about me and my influence on my high school, I won a writing award that had not been given in 17 years. I accepted my award to a standing ovation.

23. I was voted "Most Cheerful," and "Most Outrageously Dressed" in my Senior Class in high school.

24. Despite being 40 years old, I still enjoy life as if I am just getting started.

25. I think Zombies and Clowns are two of THE most terrifying things on the planet.

26. The most disheartening and shocking things in life for me are having to watch people choose Convenience and Self-preservation over Compassion and Kindness.

27. When I look at people and things, I see colors and shapes dancing around and through them and I sometimes know what they mean.

28. Despite being very sexual all of my life (from a very early age), I have never really had sex.

29. Despite being 40 years old now, after growing up abused, I still constantly live in fear of "getting into trouble," even when there is absolutely no reason.

30. Believe it, or not, I always do the things I do because I truly love doing most of what I choose to do, and not for any reward, applause, or praise.

That concludes 30 Things About Me today...

CocteauBoyTV: Ep 3 & 4

2008-04-28T19:20:00.002-04:00

I haven't had a lot of time for writing like I'd like to do, but I have been making my CocteauBoyTV episodes and would love to share these with you:

CocteauBoyTV: Procrastination (pts 1 & 2)

2008-04-08T23:39:00.005-04:00

I've been treating APRIL as my "New Year," since it's been a long process of regaining my footing in my life, my relationships, my work, my New York City. The process has been surprisingly smooth, if a bit emotionally-rough along the way. I knew I'd come through, eventually.

So... I think I'm clear from the fallout now! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! YAY!!

As part of my "New Year" I have been focusing on overcoming a problem I have with Procrastination. As part of that effort, I decided to share some channeled information about the issue on my CocteauBoyTV channel at Vimeo and on YouTube.com/CocteauBoyTV:

EPISODE TWO: on Procrastination from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

DREAM: a return to slavery & JERICHO

2008-03-05T12:20:00.006-05:00

If you are not already watching JERICHO, you really should be (here's a link to the streaming videos for the series, beginning with the PILOT). Seriously, give it a chance... and even as you might have a blah episode here and there, keep on watching... it's worth it.

Although it's a bit formulaic, it is also a fascinating exploration of one of the biggest "WHAT IF's" we can imagine as Americans. What if we were under Nuclear Attack? What if we lost everything in a single moment that we take for granted? What if all communication halted across the country and we didn't know what was happening anymore in the world? What if our government were knocked completely out of commission? What if we found our country then divided into separate, newly-divided countries that found each other establishing their own idea of new governments? What if each of those governments then found each other at war?

What if we found out we were never attacked at all... but that our own government "attacked" us so that a complete rebuild of our country could be done without the Constitution being considered?

After "9/11," none of this seems implausible. In fact, unless you are completely without your wits about you, or unless you simply refuse to fathom this possibility, the inconsistencies, physics, and blatant lies that have sprung up since "9/11" makes this series all the more terrifying to consider.

JERICHO not only asks all of these questions, but eloquently plays out the possible scenarios in such a beautifully-insidious way that you don't even realize how terrified you are under your skin until the reality of the situation hits you in certain episodes. There are strings of episodes that leave you feeling excited about the drama, the action, and then WHAM! the reality hits you and you start to think about what the fuck you would do if you were in those same situations. What then started out looking like a formulaic series coils around you as you realize just how formulaic our own lives are, and how even in the midst of a horrifying shift in everything we ever found familiar, we do our best to retain that formula... until we can't.

Last night's episode really upset me. If you haven't watched SEASON ONE, please don't spoil it for yourself, but if you are a fan, you know how upsetting that episode was... for a lot of reasons that leave you itching, angry, and devastated.

Season 2 episode 4: JAKE and friends discover something devastating

I was crying after the episode and feeling really angry about what happened. The episode played on some very deep wounds and fears in myself that probably stretch from across lifetimes: wounds from knowing the right thing to do, but being punished for doing so; fears of being attacked and cornered for just being who you are; dying senselessly because of someone else's selfishness and fears... I could go on.

Although COMPLETELY unrelated, I am certain that Jericho prompted my dreams last night, which were epic and disturbing.

I dreamt that I was on a flight across the country and we were going to crash. The crash tore the plane apart and was really scary, but somehow most of us survived. We were all over the news. All of us were taken to a hospital, but it wasn't a public hospital; it seemed to be in one of the hangars of the airport. About 20 of us were actually just fine and we were released fairly easily from this hospital, escorted to a kind of cargo plane for our flight to our intended destination. After a while I began to question the length of the flight because it seemed to have been a long time. That's when we began to be treated differently. We were told to shut up and remain seated. When we finally landed there was an oppressive humidity and heat in the air and we found out we had been flown to Thailand.

To make a long story short, the rest of my dream was about my finding out that there had been a program implemented by our government to take passengers and survivors from catastrophic events who could easily be written off as missing or not found in the wreckage and disasters, and then shipped to various parts of the world and used as slaves.

In my dream I was able to escape and thus began my epic journey in trying to find a way back to the U.S. to tell what was really happening in the world, but finding out that the highest officials in many governments around the world were already aware and utilizing this program!

Everything about my world had changed in an instant.

I'm still a bit emotional over the damn episode and the dream. It's so weird when things like this really get into you.

It's also very cool.

Michael Speaks: February 2008

2008-02-14T15:06:00.001-05:00

In the interest of continuing my merge of worlds both spiritual and mundane, I am posting to my personal blog the latest Energy Report from the Entity, Michael, through me. The Energy Report is a kind of look at the movement of energies and consciousness across the planet as created by all of us, collectively. If you think of consciousness and energy as moving like weather patterns, this is just a look at the weather for February and part of March!

If you don't understand the terminology, just check out the BASIC INTRO button at http://www.TruthLoveEnergy.com Even if some of the terminology seems foreign, there is enough in here that might resonate with you!

ENJOY!

Energy Report: Feb & Mar 2008

As January gave way to February we noticed an emphasis on the Moving Part of the Emotional Center as it mixed with the energies of the King and Growth, creating a general wavering of footing, stability, and sense of direction. Not all fragments are experiencing this disorientation, but many of our students are not so physically-oriented or grounded and the beginning of this year may have activated dormant aspects of the body, with external demands running high for many. This kind of external demand without a sense of inspiration can lead to many faltering movements, bitter responses to demands, and general collapses of energy.

(for more information about the 2008 Overleaves, see this entry)

This sudden shift to such external demand has left many of our students, and Older Souls in general, to fall into random exhaustion, constant struggle to have peaceful sleep, intense procrastination, literal stumbles and falls, objects crashing, breaking, and dropping on and around homes, often from great heights; an inability to gauge physical necessities such as dosages, food and liquid intake, energy usage, distances; and a general awkwardness in the body. Even companion animals may have suddenly called upon your need for actions through illnesses, wounds, and deaths, bringing to light the lack of inspiration in your movements and presence in the physical world.

All of these events seem to us to have the ability for helping to address the areas between the internal you and the external you. In fact: the extent to which any of you have had these struggles is the extent to which there is a gap between who you see yourself to be versus who you are in the world. Put another way: it could be said that these events are the playing out of the contradictions between WHO you are vs HOW you are. For some of you we would say that all of this is simply a way for you to address the distance between what you want vs what you are doing to get what you want. However specific we can get, the emphasis still seems to remain on the space/distance between the internal and external.

Most of what we have described above is an effect that may be most familiar to those who do not use the Moving Center very effectively or among those with very little emphasis on the Action Axis of the Overleaves, along with those who block or resist Inspiration, assuming Inspiration is something that should come TO you, rather than be generated as a result of you; but of course we do not limit these effects to only these fragments.

February will have brought about an emphasis on this lack of direction, resistance to external demands and needs of others, and general poor management of energy, but March appears to bring with it an emphasis on putting these realizations to work, creating a bridge between the internal and external, implementing a workable plan, organizing a path, and "getting busy" for the year ahead.

Many took on the new surge of this energy moving through the new year with grand enthusiasm, but with little structure or inspiration and they "short-circuited" themselves before getting a chance to gain footing in that enthusiasm. March has the potential for bringing about that sense of stability and direction again as you (if you choose) use what you learned about yourself during February.

When Growth is an emphasis, whether as a Goal for a lifetime or as a description of energy "in the air," it becomes important to create meaning in the life, in experiences, and in relationships. Along with Meaning is a great need for Structure, or Direction. Without Meaning, Structure, and Direction (evolution), it is easy to fall into Confusion, turning to sedation, procrastination, agitation, etc. as a way to funnel the waves of energy washing through and over the life that now seemingly have no point. We assure you: there is always a point that can be found to your days, your life, your experiences, your relationships, your existence. To assume that point is to be defined by anyone other than you is how one "gets lost" in life.

With Perseverance Mode moving into emphasis as March unfolds, even more emphasis on the external world may rise for you and this may either exaggerate your extremes of energy or finally bring about a focus so that the work you choose to do in your life can be done.

Keep in mind that with an Emotionally-Centered year, spills, bursts, localized flooding, and other watery disasters might have high potential for manifesting. With the Moving Part of the Emotional Center emphasized, it might indicate a continued spattering of these instances on a regular basis until there is a collective sense of inspired direction.

Key Phrases for February and March might be:

WRITE IT OUT

MAKE A PLAN

BABY STEPS

YOU CAN GET THERE FROM HERE

MY OBLIGATIONS ARE MY ROOTS AND TENDING TO THEM IS TO NURTURE MY LIFE

INSPIRATION COMES FROM ME, NOT TO ME

Both the middle of February and of March appear to be pivotal days (approximately the 13^th through 16^th of each) wherein the emphasis might be considered a "slap in the face," or a "wake up call" to the importance of YOUR participation and effort in your life. We would encourage awareness of your experiences during those days as many of you may discover some key elements that have been missing in regard to your experience of having a body in physical space and time as this relates to your sense of effectiveness, presence, and purpose.

END

Introducing: CocteauBoyTV!

2008-02-02T21:24:00.001-05:00

Many of you know this, but I bet a LOT of you don't REALLY know this, but I am a Channel. There, I said it. I channel for a living (a meager living, but it's my income, nonetheless). I go into a trance and I speak for an Entity named Michael. I know it sounds weird and I know it's unusual, but that's just because it just IS weird. I know that. Hence my not being so open and sharing about it.

I have lived a long life in my metaphysical closet, straddling two very different worlds: my inner world and my outer world; my mundane human life and my higher self's spiritual life. I've always felt comfortable with that division because there is a place for both in my life. After almost dying last year, though, I am inspired to bring about a wholeness to myself in a way I might have unintentionally avoided all of my life. Keeping those two worlds separated, I effectively kept myself from integrating two very important facets of me.

It's funny because my friends who know me socially really never have to deal with my spiritual nature because it's not important for me to share it in that context unless it comes up, so when they are exposed to it, it's all treated very lightly and playfully, even becoming great fodder for making affectionate fun of me. Conversely, people who know me through my work as a channel can sometimes be shocked at the level of humanness I can display and it can be disconcerting because I "should know better," being this spiritual channel and all.

I never hid either of my worlds, but I did manage them, navigating carefully, thoughtfully, and drawing from both as necessary, but never truly merging them.

I'm done living like that.

I am launching two new channels on YouTube this month: CocteauBoyTV and TruthLoveEnergyTV. Both are focused on my owning and integrating my life as a professional channel, author, counselor, and teacher. CocteauBoyTV is just my life as a channel and I will be sharing my experiences with that, even sharing how you can use channeling in your own life. TruthLoveEnergyTV will be videos of my channeling for groups in New York City, along with a couple of series focusing on introducing the Basics of The Michael Teachings, and several advanced concepts.

Below is my first episode: INNER AND OUTER SCIENCE for CocteauBoyTV. Even though I am embedding the video here, please pop over to YouTube and leave a comment, feedback, ratings, and SUBSCRIBE! YAY! I'm done being shy about all of this.

Almost dying can put a lot of things into perspective and I am ready to embrace all of my life as a whole creation. I'm ready to allow myself to promote myself and my work because when my book gets published, I won't be able to hide and I don't want to be shocked when I am Oprah talking to the masses about my work (hee hee, i can dream, too, right?)

Well, enjoy and thank you for any support you offer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vPEVZmW64Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vPEVZmW64Y

vlogs: Bring Some Color To Your Life!

2008-01-10T20:29:00.000-05:00

Well, it's now 2008 and my rebuilding of life and heart and home are still in the works. Thanks to all of my friends for help in that rebuilding, and in this vlog, you will see Cyprus' Christmas gift to me featured prominently as COLOR!! She gave me all the paint I needed to paint the apartment! It's not done, but the video shows the latest updates. YAY!

I love color, especially in the home, and if I could live inside a cartoon, I would, but until then, I color my world like one.

Oh, and I'm really excited about this year. Along with Bush's finally exiting office (THANK THE LORD ON HIGH! - though i predict he may create an unprecedented extension of office), I also turn 40 years old in 10 days!

Good Lord! FORTY! WOW.

I had sent out a nice invitation to all of my friends and acquaintances for a nice little happy hour for this Saturday, only to find out that my friends had already started planning a surprise birthday party!! I ruined the surprise! In all of my years of birthdays, there has only been one that I didn't plan, myself. I am really surprised (hardy har) that they didn't take that into account!

Well, even though I ruined the surprise, it was still a surprise and I am very excited to turn 40!

Below is an updated video tour of my apartment, which I always nick name "Imagination's Playground," and though it's still bare, it sure is BRIGHT!

Below THAT is a fun little romp through some bonus bunny footage, which includes SLO-MO REPLAYS!!

Enjoy!

vlog: Onwards and Upwards from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

bonus vlog: Fluffy Bunnies EVERYWHERE! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: Bunny Tug

2007-12-25T22:14:00.001-05:00

Good Lord, here I go again with another bunny vid, but I can't help it! They are ADORABLE and so funny!

This is SAGE (yup! One of them has a name... still waiting to figure out the other one's name); he's playing with a straw wrapper and gets "vicious!"

vlog: Bunny Tug from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: 2Girls1Cup NICK'S REACTION

2007-12-25T11:25:00.001-05:00

There is a wave of people capturing reactions in themselves and friends while watching SHOCKING videos. I had to follow the nerd herd and do this, myself, even if I'm way at the end of the trend.

WARNING: The video that Nick is watching in this clip should NOT be searched out unless you take TOTAL responsibility for doing so.

YOU WERE WARNED!

Still, if you DO search it out, make sure you have a video set up to capture it and let me know!!!

vlog: 2Girls1Cup Reaction from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: Tiny Love

2007-12-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am officially now one of "those" people who post videos of bunnies! LOL! So what. These are my new members of the family. YAY! They have no names, yet, but after getting to know each other, the names will come.

WARNING: if you hate bunnies or are bored by cuteness, do not watch! Your eyes will burn out of your head!

vlog: Tiny Love from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: Be Good To Yourself

2007-12-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have to remember that you are your primary caretaker, no matter how much you want to be loved by another, or how much you wish someone would just come along and be nice to you for no reason... you are always the one who is with you, so... sometimes, it's just important to be good to yourself.

Below is my reporting after a luxurious bath of bubbles and fun, leaving me so happy and relaxed, and giddy like a kid again (bubble baths are SO nice, no matter what age you are)!

vlog: Be Good To Yourself from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: A WALK IN THE PARK

2007-12-10T00:09:00.000-05:00

Spyder (monkey) and I have discovered our park nearby to our new neighborhood and we LOVE it! We go there as often as we can and she is thrilled! It does my spirit some good, too.

I used to live on the Upper West Side just a block or so from Central Park and it was so wonderful to have that massive pocket of nature just steps away from the urban world I love just as much. Now I live near Prospect Park in Brooklyn and it is just as wonderful.

I can't wait for a good snow to come down and blanket the branches and ground and lake with sparkling cold.

Oh, and sorry for the kinda boring video, but this is really just for my nostalgia, my memories; something on record for looking back and seeing myself from the future, remembering when Spyder and I had to start over on our own and make life the best it could be...

vlog: A WALK IN THE PARK from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: First Squirrel and First Snow

2007-12-03T12:55:00.000-05:00

I don't have the best view out my windows... at least some people might not think so, but for some reason these urban views make me happy... and especially when visited by a squirrel and a first snow!!

YAY!

vlog: THE SQUIRREL from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: FIRST SNOW 2007 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.
PS: my heat and hot water have returned... phewy!

vlog: Boobage Ville, Here We Come (again)!!

2007-11-28T17:52:00.000-05:00

Well, Cyprus was called back by the people who examined her big boobs and told her there is a concern: a "spiculated density." Apparently this is a kind of spherical density with tendrils. While this is inclusive and not unusual for large-breasted women, it's still not a fun call to receive.

Below is the day of our return for her follow-up to use a Sonogram as a means to clarify the density.

VLOG: On The Way to BoobageVille II from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Americans are NOT stupid! (???)

2007-11-27T07:37:00.000-05:00

This is utterly embarrassing... and horrifying.

To be fair, this level of intelligence exists among all nations and countries... It's just fun to pick on the bully of the world, but, really... people... PLEASE REMEMBER: our country's behavior in the world has very little to do with a LOT OF US within the country, itself.

Seriously.

vlog: HOME AGAIN

2007-11-16T12:15:00.000-05:00

So... after dropping everything from my life to pursue Love in The Netherlands, almost dying, recovering, returning to the U.S. and then getting dumped over the internet, I am seeing signs of my footing returning to my life, again. It's going to be a long road of returning to some sense of "home," but I'm on my way.

I spent my first night on my own last night, in my own new bed, with Spyder exploring the apartment restlessly, but regally, throughout the night and checking in on me regularly, poking her nose up against my eye or my own nose to ensure I was okay. I slept okay, but awakened often, of course; it's a new, unfamiliar place.

One of the glorious things about my first night was being able to create my "SLEEP" playlist in iTunes, set it to Random, and let it play all night as a backdrop to my dreams... I love sleeping to music, which I have not been able to do in a long time.

Below is a tour through my new little home... it's gotta a lot of work to be done, and I will slowwwwly fill it with "stuff" and make it all cozy in time... in time.

VLOG: Home Again from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

vlog: BOOBAGE VILLE, Here We Come!

2007-10-20T15:11:00.000-04:00

As part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, services were offered around New York City for women to come in for exams. I went with Cyprus for support... she gots some big boobage goin' on, so she needed some support...

VLOG: On The Way To Boobage Ville (part one) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

VLOG: On The Way From Boobage Ville (part two) from CocteauBoy on Vimeo.

Death Letter

2007-10-15T22:43:00.001-04:00

Death Letter
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Jip sent to me some of my stuff from Amsterdam and I received it today. I had completely forgotten about this letter. Reading it caused a surprise flood of tears as I remembered enduring those long nights in the hospital, just hanging on for one more breath, one more night, to see the morning and to see Jip.

There was one night in particular while in the hospital that it was pretty clear that I might not survive. I kept thinking I had to focus on the positive and survive, but then I thought about how awful it would be to have not said goodbye to anyone. There was panic all around me and I was almost incapable of breathing... the oxygen levels in my blood were plummeting. I was being prepared for Intensive Care.

Terrified that I would not return, I grabbed my hardback notebook that Jip had given me and with shaking hands and quiet tears that could not fully express themselves for lack of breath, I scrawled my goodbye letter. I couldn't think fast enough to cover everything before the took the pen and notebook away from me and tried to calm me down and focus my breathing so I wouldn't pass out.

I made it through that night. I made it through many nights. Sometimes I still cry about it.

I never wanted to see this letter again, nor did I ever want anyone to see it, but as I sat with it today, I held the feelings with me and let myself own the reality of the experience. It's easy sometimes to feel like this happened to someone else, not me. But it did happen to me. And this is how close it came to being over for me.

The letter reads:

I [heart] Jip more than I got a chance to show
I [heart] my friends so much more than I ever showed
I [heart] my dad and mom and bev forever

If I don't make it out of this alive, please know that I love all of you and will find you again

People are Beautiful [heart]
Troy

Jip was my crowning glory in this life, showing me how I could have been loved all along

I [heart] U Sandy * Larry
I [heart] U Cyprus
I [heart] U Nick
I [heart] U Johnny

(off to the side: "my dream team")

I [heart] U dad
You never ever let me down

END

I wrote that last line for my dad because he always felt he failed in protecting me from the abuse from my mother, but I never felt he was at fault. It was just a part of life, as this big scare was... and I survived.

Just like I survived this.

I'm still alive.

Why I Keep A Blog

2007-09-26T00:44:00.000-04:00

I have chills. CHILLS, I say! Note that this excerpt is from 2004!!! Full post is in the link, but this excerpt is the amazing, AMAZING, relevant part! Well, at least it is to me... Part of why I keep a blog is to document these very things. If I had not had this documented, I would never have realized that some part of me "knew" about an event that would happen THREE YEARS later!

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

DREAM
I dreamt last night that I had discovered a new love for someplace in Europe, but I am not sure where I was. I have never been to Europe in my waking life. I was much younger in my dream, which has never happened before. I always dream of me as either non-age specific or my current age, but in this dream I was just about 20 years old. Apparently, I had gone to this place in Europe, then had left to go back to the States. I guess I had just returned again to Europe and had worked really hard to be able to come back. I vaguely think there was someone there whom I had fallen in love with and had vowed to return to him, but now I couldn't find him. I remember walking down this lovely, quiet street and feeling so alone, but so happy to be back at the same time.

All I can say is... WOW. What the fuck part of me knew THIS PARTICULAR story about my life THREE YEARS before it happened!??? This isn't the first time this has happened, but it is always chilling to me. This is the first time I have browsed back through my blog in a long time.

The irony is that this entry was three days after Nick dumped me in 2004.

Seems I was already looking for Jip in three years in advance, and feeling the loss.

NOTE: I'm not done reading through my archives, but a couple of days later in that year, I have a post about my having a dream about sharp pains in my chest, having to massage my chest to help relieve it, and being told by someone that my "heart had been scarred." I wonder if this relates to the pneumonia.

Wow.

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People?

2007-09-25T13:32:00.000-04:00

This is an entry from my M BLOG over at TruthLoveEnergy.com where I share channeling with clients and students from around the world. "Channeling" is the practice of going into an altered state of consciousness and being able to tune into another consciousness, energy, or level of the self, and then being able to deliver that through communication, healing, or insight. It's not all that strange, really, because most forms of true creativity are forms of channeling; I just happen to specialize in connecting to a consciousness who claims to be an entity named MICHAEL (hence, M BLOG) with a teaching to share. The body of knowledge that has come to be accumulated over the years is known as THE MICHAEL TEACHINGS. There is more about all of this at my work site (truthloveenergy.com), so I won't go into a lot of details here, but if it makes more sense for you to think of this as a creative writing practice, then that is just fine with me, too. Maybe that IS all it is, but whatever it is, it helps bring about some perspective.

Over the past few blog entries, I have been asking some tough questions of life, and here is where it led me:

It's been weighing on my mind for some time now about the WHY of "bad things" happening to people who just don't seem to deserve such a hard time. For instance, I feel like I have done nothing to warrant my having almost died, being dumped, and now living with a terminal illness. It just doesn't seem fair.

It's a difficult question to ask of ourselves, or of others, or of our concepts of "God," and even of Michael.

WHY!!!??

Why ME!??

Why HIM??

Why HER?

WHY Them!?

WHY!!??

Is there really going to be an answer that satisfies us? It seems the only time we can find even a bit of relief from this question is when we are not going through whatever struggle we feel had been imposed upon us. At those points, it seems we can sort of see from a higher perspective and grasp these larger patterns of our lives. We might be able to make sense of all or part of a tragedy, or find a sense that there was nothing higher involved at all, but that it is normal to grieve, to feel loss, to mourn.

As I have been going through a lot, lately, it has caused a sensitivity in me for the pain around me. I've always had empathy in that way, but now it is almost unbearable. I see people as more fragile, scared, and struggling, even as they maintain their status quo, smiles intact, and keeping busy. It's been hard for me to shake this. On the one hand, this gives me this beautiful sense of the innocence in all of us, but on the other hand, it feels like an overwhelming futility to care so much; like my head and heart are just going to be crushed under the weight of it all.

When I feel down or face difficulties in my life, one would think I turn immediately to Michael for insight and guidance, but I just don't. Part of what I have learned over the years in my working with Michael is to learn how to trust and access my own sense of wisdom and direction and sense. I always turn to me, first. Much of the time, I am able to access that inner wisdom and compassion and work my way through the most painful and challenging aspects of life. When I cannot figure things out, I then turn to friends, even before Michael.

I think I don't immediately turn to Michael for insight or guidance for the same reasons that Samantha of Bewitched denied her magic: you just want to figure things out on your own. It's empowering, and Michael would agree. Beyond that, I just don't want to treat Michael like some god that has all of the answers, because, frankly, they don't.

But more often than not they do have incredible, vast wisdom that does transcend the claustrophobic pain of being in a body, and it's nice to hear what they have to say.

So I posed the question:

Why do "bad" things happen to "good" people, Michael?

MICHAEL: When one equates pain with punishment, and pleasure as reward, it is easy to grasp why one would grow into a personal world where one is either punished or rewarded. Most of your species are raised on philosophies of "good" vs "bad," which carries over into the personal score cards of life, efforts, and choices, leaving one to believe he is, ultimately, either "good" or "bad," and deserving of appropriate responses from life. If one is "good," one should not receive punishment, or "bad things" should not happen. If one is "bad," it makes sense to many people that nothing "good" should happen to a "bad" person.

In reality, the concepts of "good" and "bad" are simply irrelevant. "Bad Things" do not happen to "Good People;" LIFE HAPPENS. It is not an either/or scenario, but a range of experiences. "Good" and "Bad" are entirely relative. Many of you may feel your lives are a series of sufferings and sacrifices, but many others would gladly trade their own lives for yours. This relativity does not diminish the experience of pain for any individual, however, because the root of all WHY involving "bad things" is BLAME.

Blame is a locking mechanism; an anchor to your pain. It does not allow for the higher perspective, or the comprehension that could bring peace. In a personal world of punishment and pleasure, reactions to difficulties can become a game of blame, with "thank you's" for the "good," and "fuck you's" for the "bad."

Asking WHY is a valid question, but most do not really mean WHY when faced with tragedies and suffering, but WHO. Who is going to pay for this? Who did this to me? Who is going to fix it?

Life is neutral. It is a space in which to exist as a Being. To blame life for the "bad things" that happen is like blaming a chess board for your loss of the game. The various concepts of "god" are just as encompassing, containing the "game board," if you will. Blaming "god" for your sense of punishment is like blaming a country club for your challenges in playing golf on their course.

Blaming others for your pain and struggles is just as empty as blaming yourself. The reason we can say this is because blame is a form of finding fault, not of insight or direction or solutions. Your life is not someone else's fault, and your life is not your fault.

Your life is simply YOURS.

Part of growing older as a soul is in being able to recognize that ALL of it is simply YOURS. These are YOUR experiences. It is not "good" or "bad." It is not "empty" or "full;" "rich" or "poor;" "happy" or "sad," etc. until you assign it those terms. It is valid to recognize where your experiences are within your defined spectrum, but it will always be valid and empowering to remember that "this is not all there is." As with your feelings and experiences, so does your Life change.

What happens in your life is most often a product of choice, but when it appears that it is not, you still have a choice as to how to respond to it. Blame, and asking WHY (read: who) is a sort of marinating in pain, holding fast to an entitlement that does not exist.

One of the most freeing statements one can make in times of confusion, pain, anguish, tragedy, disaster, illness, depression, accidents, etc. to the point of crying out WHY is:

THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME, INCLUDING ME, BUT THERE ARE MANY TO HELP ME, INCLUDING ME.

Identifying and dealing with that which may have been the cause of the WHY in your life is valid and healing, but Blame is simply something that goes to bed with you at night, and weighs on your shoulders during the day, trapping you in the past with "what if's" and "should have's." Blame can create a tapestry of connections among your experiences that tightens
throughout your life and sifts out all of the experiences that you
would normally enjoy.

When you ask WHY in times of pain, be gentle. You are not being punished. You did nothing wrong. You are simply trying to make sense of something that is bigger than your current perspective. Always give yourself time to digest, slowly, at a pace that is not defined by anyone, but you. There will come a time again when your heart and mind can wrap around a painful, confusing experience and you may begin to see the patterns, the beauty, and the potential benefit of even the most horrific of events.

Wail in anger, curl up in despair, fold up in grief, but know that it is only one of many experiences you have had, and will have, in your life. There is no conclusive state, "good" or "bad," for any of you; there is only emphasis and focus. At times when the focus and emphasis is on the difficult, allow that to be your focus to the extent that it is necessary, but it will free you from the trap of suffering when you actively remember that it is not a conclusion and that there is no one to blame.

There are no benevolent or malicious beings competing over your soul or your life, wielding out rewards and punishments, randomly or with meaning.

There is only CHOICE. And what you choose to do, next, will always be your choice.

-MICHAEL

Hmmmm... well, for me, this doesn't bring a whole lot of peace right at this moment, but it does offer a perspective that could lead to less-painful days wasted on the WHY's in me, when I could be focusing on the WISE in me. I know better than to blame, but I never thought of my crying out to the world, WHY, meant anything related to a focus on blame... but that is totally where my heart is when I ask that question, now that I think about it! I hadn't considered that before. In that respect, this was very liberating.

So what is your input or response to this post? Use the COMMENTS link to add your responses to this discussion!

WHY is the Question of a Broken Heart

2007-09-22T13:29:00.000-04:00

Some days, even with my seeming unlimited resource of optimism, my ability to grasp the most painful of circumstances from a higher perspective, and my playful embrace of disappointment as a comical blunder of something tumbling from my hands, I still have my days when I ask the rhetorical and universal question:

WHY

Some days just... hurt.

Like someone in a heavy boot standing on your neck with a permanent pressure.

I'm sure I just feel this way because of my broken heart.

Kinda down today... that's all.

Baby steps...

BOAT & BIRD

If you be my star
I'll be your sky
you can hide underneath me and come out at night
when I turn jet black and you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine

but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you be my boat
I'll be your sea
a depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
ebbing and flowing and pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free

but you can set sail to the west if you want to
and past the horizon till I can't even see you
far from here where the beaches are wide
just leave me your wake to remember you by

- Gregory and the Hawk
(listen here)

DREAM: It'll End In Tears

2007-09-21T09:31:00.001-04:00

Twister Girl
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Yeesh... my dreams, I swear...

DREAM
I haven't had this themed dream in a long time, but this one was reminiscent of a pattern of dreams I used to have where I was always accompanied by two vague figures in a run for our lives from a group of three who were always chasing us through various, intense adventures. So last night I was with those two unknown people, again, and we were hiding out in a trailer somewhere. We were making a plan as to how and where to go, next, in our escape from those who were after us. A new factor was that SPYDER was with me! Devoted, calm, and wise (a bit different from her character in waking life), she was quietly near.

I glanced out the window to check for anyone approaching: all was clear. As I let the curtains drop back in place, I suddenly saw a figure pass by in the grass, casting his shadow on the curtain! The figure stopped, turned his head in my direction, and I only stood, frozen, counting on the other two in the room to NOT do anything to catch the figure's attention, but I was not able to alert them, either. The figure wasn't able to see me through the curtain, apparently, and moved on.

I turned to the other two, relieved, and encouraged them to hurry, because we had to go... NOW.

I'm not sure how this next part worked, but I knew something about the house across the yard nearby and rushed the others to come with me to the house. I had a plan.

We made sure the yard was clear, hurried out the door, Spyder by my side, and over to the house. Somehow, we were inside, silent, and coordinated in our plan. The house seemed to be ranch-style from the outside, but inside seemed to have various levels, with railings and levels overlooking other levels. I don't even know what we were doing, but we were creeping around with purpose for a while, before getting into the garage. I remember several times that I would notice as we were creeping about the house, that Spyder would be perched somewhere off to the side, or lying comfortably, panting, and watching as we scurried about. I also remember, at one point, a young boy had awakened and come out of his room, rubbing his eyes, and confused as to what he was seeing, but we just went about our business, counting on the boy thinking he was dreaming. I never heard from, or saw him, again.

We got into the garage and somehow had access to the car. I got in behind the driver's seat; Spyder jumping into the passenger's seat, with the other two getting in the back seat. As I started the car, I could not get control over things that seemed they should be easy to control, like the headlights, and getting the car into reverse. I started panicking, but finally got the car to move backwards, even though the car was jerking and stopping/starting, as I gained control, but I didn't gain control fast enough before hitting the accelerator too hard and backing out of the garage before the door was lifted, smashed through it, up an embankment, through a fence. I got the car under control and stopped. We all laughed nervously, but knew we had to get the hell out of there! I drove the car forward, which tore out even more of the fence, dragging parts of it with the car, but falling off as we drove.

We moved fast down a dirt road that seemed to be part of a park, not really designed for a car, crashing over tree roots, and ruts in the road, until I lost control of the car and ran it up the side of a steep bank. Exasperated, we all got out of the car, but as we did, we noticed the police were already nearby at some crime scene or accident. The police had barely noticed our accident, but the noise did catch their attention. A couple of them moved in our direction.

Instead of running, we all remained calm as the police approached. I leaned against the car and remember maneuvering my hands behind my back in some weird fashion. The policemen questioned me, but I don't remember the conversation. They nodded their contentment at whatever our conversation was, and we walked away... but the car was not behind me anymore!

Somehow, I had condensed the car into two portable, shiny, black, square cases, with silver handles, and we walked off with our crashed car all packaged up discreetly.

As we walked through the park, some kind of relief was settling in and we didn't seem to be concerned about being chased. We came across a store (something like a 7-11) and went in to get some refreshments. At the check out, there was a box with an egg in it; something a bit like a Kinder Egg, or a big Cadbury Egg, with the wrapping torn back. It was the "sample" package so you could check out what the egg did.

I lifted the wrapper and the egg "talked" in a kind of "White-Girl-Valley-Girl" dialect, saying things like, "OMIGAWD!" and "FOR SHURRR" and other silly things. I rolled my eyes, but laughed, too. The thing is, it was a real egg... a giant, hard-boiled egg. Peeling and lifting the shell and wrapper caused the egg to "talk" out these phrases, and then you could eat it, I guess.

Anyway, I have no idea from where that diversion came in my dreaming, but we left and continued with a sense of relief, walking to the edge the park. I remember thinking it was all over... at least, for now.

And then: darting out from my side, Spyder took off across the park. She had seen a squirrel or something in the distance. Another dog shot out from behind us, too, and ran as fast as Spyder... directly toward a 4-lane street with speeding cars. The other dog ran into the street, first, and was hit immediately, his body thrown into the air and slamming down, with a horrible, but short, painful yelp. Spyder ran out into the traffic, too, all the while my screaming, "Spyder! SPYDER!!!" and in the middle of the street, she seemed to hear me and turn around to come back... but not fast enough.

She was hit by a car, but not thrown into the air; instead she was dragged under the car and rolled. She was wailing the entire time and all I could say, over and over and over, was "Oh my god... oh my god... oh my god." In the distance, in the middle of the road, she now lay... silent.

But then she got up! She got up, limping at first, then picking up a slight gallop, trying to return to me. I kept saying the "oh my god" over and over as she neared, terrified of what injuries she may have. She was panting and wagging her tail, but clearly in pain. One side of her body was wet, but I couldn't tell if it was blood or water. I kept thinking about internal bleeding, even if her bones weren't broken.

I reached down to touch Spyder, to hold her, and she collapsed, exhausted. I was confused as to whether she was seriously injured or not, but I was so glad she was just ALIVE.

END DREAM

I was still saying, "oh my god..." and crying heavily in the dream, as I awakened this morning... and found Spyder curled up on the floor, but with her chin resting on my arm as I slept on the couch, just looking at me. I hugged her immediately and scratched her in the ways she loves to be scratched... she softly closed her eyes and showed her contentment.

The main themes I have had in dreams over the years do seem to be rooted in "cat and mouse chases," "apocalyptic catastrophes and disasters," and "brutal murders or accidents."

What is UP with that?!

DREAM: The Dangerous Road of Romance

2007-09-20T11:57:00.000-04:00

I had another vivid, awful dream last night. I guess it wasn't awful because it was kind of dramatic and adventurous, but it was scary and intense. It is obvious this is just about how I feel about part of my life right now.

DREAM
I don't remember as much as I did when I first got up, but I remember being in a car, driving at night, and somehow hearing some terrible news (by cell phone?) and I was in a panic. I don't even know what the news was, but it had to do with Jip. I remember crying heavily and feeling like I had to make a decision RIGHT THEN. The decision was whether to just GO NOW in the car to Jip or to go get things prepared for a trip. I remember thinking that all I had with me was the clothes I was wearing... and then thought, I can deal with these material things, later... Jip was what was important. So I started the trip to Jip.

At one point I saw what I thought was my exit from the highway, so I took it. When I did, I somehow ended up squeezing down a road through thick trees, leading to an entrance into a tunnel-like space that spiraled down into the earth. I stopped outside the tunnel, got out of the car, and tried to look into the tunnel. It was so dark, I couldn't see much, but I could tell it spiraled down. I hurried back into the car and started driving down the tight spiral...

As I wound down the dark spiral, I kept anticipating that it would lead back out into the night light where I would feel more comfortable again. And then I crashed into something. It was a dead end! The spiral tunnel only led to a wall. I tried to back the car up, but backing up a spiral was impossible, especially with my being in a panic already.

I walked back up the spiral and into the night, my mind full of intense need to get to Jip because he needed me. I was trying so hard to figure out how to get there as fast as I could.

I ran through the trees to a clearing... it was a field of some kind. Alongside the field was a farm. I remember the night being so quiet and disturbing; the kind that is silent, but for the white noise of wind through the trees... only hearing my breath and sniffles.

I, tentatively, crouched and ran to the edges of the farm. Dim light was coming through a couple of windows, but I couldn't tell if anyone was up. I was torn between bothering the occupants, and the need for me to figure out a way to get to Jip, which might mean asking them for help.

I sat a distance away from the house, near a barn, and tried to think. Suddenly, the sound a screen door slamming caught my attention and I looked up to see a man in over-alls exiting the house, heading toward a shed across the yard. He looked angry and purposeful and he was carrying an ax. I tried to move to hide more behind what I think was a bail of hay, but I kicked some metallic tool... and the man stopped, whipped his head in my direction...

...and headed my way.

The only thing I remember after that is my thinking, "I just have to get to Jip... do what you have to do!"

END DREAM

I am sure this is my subconscious playing out my futile attempts to remain close to Jip after our breakup; my willingness to give up everything to be with him from the beginning, but finding only dead ends and danger. Those obstacles seemed completely manageable, but in real life, the obstacles were never about the journey or the road or the battles, but about the fact that it takes two.

Even when you know there is a lot of love being shared, trying to be in a relationship when there is only one person present is a dark and lonely place.

I'll always be a fool for Love. I don't mind.

vlog: Love is like Reincarnation

2007-09-10T15:42:00.001-04:00

Through the pain and sense of loss, there is still a core in me that can find the truth of a situation, the bigger truths, the higher perspective... the love. So today I was fluctuating in and out of hate, anger, depression, big love, beautiful truths, clarity, disorientation... just spinning around like a kid on a maniacal merry-go-round. During a bit of a moment of clarity and higher perception, I decided to make a video.

vlog: LOVE IS LIKE REINCARNATION from CocteauBoy and Vimeo.

I don't pretend to be so wise and spouting of profundity... I'm just a guy trying to figure things out in this world and sharing what I am learning as best I can. Sometimes I can hit on a very real piece of wisdom, and other times, I'm just a naive big kid, lost in the world and trying desperately to make sense of something...

It had been occurring to me for a few days now that Love is like Reincarnation: 1) it happens all around us whether we "believe in it, or not." and 2) there is a necessary amnesia that comes with falling in love again, just like we forget our pasts when we choose and create a new life. It's not that we don't learn from our history, but more that we are not confined by it.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I have fought for years to have a Love in my life that fits my ideal form. I have kept most forms of Love at a distance until I can just get my hands on this one kind of Love that I desperately crave. Even when the form is as close as it gets to my ideal, such as it was with Jip (I am truly loved by Jip), I struggle to hold it into the shape I want until I just squeeze it right out from between my fingers...

Love is not something that we can shape or force into a form. I don't think it's a bad thing to search for it in a shape and size that we want to have in our lives, and hope that it is given to us in a way that feels right and good, but it's not a cool thing to reject all the other forms as we search, or that we sabotage the Love that we do find by slowly creeping into it a pressure to make a shape that fits our ideals.

Now, here's something interesting below. This is the Energy Report as given by the entity I channel, "Michael." They give a monthly report like a weather report might be given. There are no predictions, but there are descriptions of patterns that can be observable. As part of the report, Michael describes different parts of the year as having an emphasis on different energies that are similar to personality traits. July through September focuses on our examination of beliefs and perceptions; our ATTITUDE; our personal philosophies come up for scrutiny. As individuals, we choose one of seven Attitudes as part of our personality design for a lifetime, but in an energy report, Michael describes a kind of "weather," or momentum, that is also described by one of the Attitudes. This year, the Attitude that is explored by most of us (regardless of our personal Attitude) is REALISM. That's what Michael's talking about in the first few lines of the report.

Let me know if this resonates to your life, too. The interesting part for me is that I channeled this from Michael on the 2nd of September... I was dumped 6 days later. The report is certainly relevant to my life.., sighhhh...

MICHAEL SPEAKS
090207
Online

[Michael Entity] Hello to each of you. We are here. We will begin with an energy report to which you may ask questions after.
The energy report we are sharing is for September of 2007. As you enter into the last month of emphasis on the Attitude of Realist, the reality of its effect may begin to become more apparent. So far, the emphasis has been gentle for the most part, if not a bit surreal, ironically, but the edges of reality are now up for examination and this may feel a bit harsh in comparison. When we say "edges of reality," we simply refer to the sharper points, the outlines and lines that hold the shapes of your beliefs and perceptions. Inside these lines, there is space and softness in which to move, but when examining the lines, you are dealing with "edges," which are not as pleasant in many cases.
Over September, many of you may find that the lines holding your perceptions together actually change as a way to alter the forms that make up many of your manifestations. In other words, the CONTENT may be something you wish to keep, but the FORMS may change. This is where the "harshness" can come in. Often there is an attachment to FORM, even when CONTENT is unfulfilling; or there is an addiction to the CONTENT, even when the FORM is inappropriate.
In this case, some of you have found FORMS that may be up for change, and it would do you well to understand and trust that the core of what you seek WILL NOT DISAPPEAR, even if the form changes. The FORMS will not actually disappear for most of you, but the opening for more appropriate forms will be apparent and available, if you so choose to allow room for those in your reality.
We realize all of this may seem vague, but as September unfolds, it may become clearer as to what we refer. In short, allowing space, trust, and compassion for the shifts and rearrangements around you over September will allow for the beauty that is intended by these shifts.
KEY Thoughts over September might be:
LETTING GO OF FORM DOES NOT MEAN LOSS
BEING FULFILLED THROUGH appropriate FORM AND appropriate CONTENT IS OKAY TO HAVE AND WANT (it doesn't have to be one or the other)

LOVE, ANYWAY

There are no particular dates of note over September in terms of energy shifts, though the last few days of September and the first few days of October could be said to be a shift into a peaceful comprehension of the year-to-date, with many aspects finally "making sense" on levels of the head and heart. We suggest for you to "make sense" of your changes in the weeks following September, because it may be difficult to comprehend during the weeks of September.

I'm gonna be okay.

R.I.P. Troy n Jip

2007-09-09T07:24:00.001-04:00

My adventure in Love with Jip is over. At least as boyfriends.

But I gained a Best Friend for life.

I'm really in shock, hurting, and really don't know how to live right now... but I will figure it all out.

Again.

As usual.

I sure wish life was just... easier sometimes...

Thank you for loving me, Jip.

vlog: COCTEAUBOY'S TRIP

2007-06-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

WOUND

So I tried to be funny today for Jip and succeeded, but when he requested I do the same thing again for him so he could film it, the entire thing went awry. Watch closely as I try to play like the wind is so strong it is blowing me away... except... it really does and I lose my balance and you can see I am almost completely horizontal, heading face-down, as I fly out of range of the camera! Of course, the next shot is of Jip closing in on me as I lie on my back after sliding on my face, shoulders, and hands... bleeding all over.

This is what happens when I almost die and then start recovering to a point where I think I can do anything again... but, uh, I can't, yet. I'm not strong or stable, yet, so I don't know what I was thinking.

ENJOY!

One Minute Wanders: COCTEAUBOY'S TRIP from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: OUT n ABOUT in DAM SQUARE

2007-06-23T13:29:00.000-04:00

DAM SQUARE
Originally uploaded by PHOTOMO

Yesterday was a wonderful day of being out and about with Jip and Ankie, his mother! Although I move about like a little, old man and I lose my breath regularly, at least I am moving and functional in the world again! YAY!

We went to Amsterdam's China Town to try to find some herbs and oils that are good for the immune system. We then went to lunch and sat outside under the awning during a downpour that changed quickly to sunshine and breeze again. I love that about Amsterdam weather.

We then walked through DAM SQUARE, which is a huge tourist convergence similar to my New York's TIMES SQUARE. Below is a video of Jip and Ankie saying hi (particularly to NICK!) and a nice spin around DAM SQUARE to share with all my pals!

Eventually, we made it to THE AMERICAN BOOK CENTER where I looked in vain for something to read. I just couldn't find anything and by this time, I was getting exhausted and even almost passed out.

AMERICAN BOOK CENTER

I bought a Writing Magazine to keep me inspired, but my time was running out so Jip and Ankie made sure I got back to Centraal Station so I could get the subway home, alone. They went on to see Jip's brother perform in a band, but I just couldn't go.

CENTRAAL STATION

So here's the little video of Dam Square with Jip, Ankie, and me!

One Minute Wanders: OUT n ABOUT in DAM SQUARE from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: BACK INTO THE WORLD!

2007-06-19T01:44:00.001-04:00

Back Into The World
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Wow.

Yesterday was my first steps back into the outside world after months of being limited to a bed, a room, or an apartment. At first I was very nervous and scared about not being able to keep up my strength or keep my breathing steady, but then as the day wore on, I started getting really excited about going outside. Not only to go outside, but to go DO something! So I convinced Jip that I was well-enough to go grocery shopping!

I walked with him all the way there before needing a tiny break, and then went right on into the store and proceeded to shop like a kid in a candy store! In regaining my health and strength, I am also regaining a large appetite, so being in the store while I was hungry brought out all kinds of cravings I've been having, but couldn't do anything about because I either couldn't describe what I wanted, or Jip had no clue what I was describing. For instance, I have been craving "hash browns" for a lonnnng time. Here in The Netherlands, no one even knows what that is. I kept trying to describe them as shredded potatoes, sometimes pressed into shapes, or sometimes just cooked loosely until crispy. No clue. Well, as soon as I looked into the frozen potatoes section, there were PLENTY of "hash brown" options! When I showed them to Jip, he insisted that the shredded potatoes were just "french fries" and couldn't comprehend what the difference is. Believe me, there is a HUGE difference between French Fries, crispy Hash Browns, and even shredded potatoes that you can fry up. BIG difference. I am a potato fan, so I should know, and now I have my craving fulfulled... that's all that matters.

HASH BROWN

SHREDDED POTATOES (hash browns)

FRENCH FRIES (very different)

Needless to say, my first outing was a success, and I am so happy to be functioning better and better! Here's a little tiny video of my first steps out the door of the apartment and out into the world again...

One Minute Wanders: BACK INTO THE WORLD from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: Recovery Update

2007-06-16T12:41:00.000-04:00

CocteauBoy LIVES!

There is still not much to report as I just spend my days patiently recovering much slower than I expected. I did some research today on my pneumonia to read about recovery times and it seems it's to be expected to be weeks, if not months, before living normal again. And I have to be careful because, apparently, there can be an easy relapse back into the pneumonia after two or three months of recovery! This scares the hell out of me.

But I have to focus only on recovery and getting back into my life. Everything seems as elusive to me as the ground outside of a building where I haven't been able to walk for a couple of months now. I can get around the apartment quite easily now (relatively speaking) and without losing too much breath, but it's still very difficult.

I made a video today on one of my better days after I took my shower and was feeling perky. I also took some pictures of me today to update my profiles since I look so different now.

Strange New/Familiar Face

I miss everyone SO MUCH, but I am SO HAPPY and LUCKY to report that my Love is taking amazing care of me and keeping me from even feeling a tiny bit lost and homesick! I feel safe and at home in his care and I can't wait to be free enough to just go bounce and play about with him like we deserve to be with each other. I love him so much. I really have no idea what I would have done without him.

Enjoy the Vlog!

One Minute Wanders: RECOVERY UPDATE 160607 from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: HOME AGAIN!

2007-06-10T08:36:00.000-04:00

Boy, it feels great to be back home, again! My first night was really disturbing and exciting at the same time, because I had been feeling so good when I left the hospital, but upon settling in for the night, I found it much more difficult to breathe, walk, and pains started growing in places I hadn't noticed before I got home. Apparently, it's quite normal to have a first couple of nights of a sharp drop in strength upon returning home from a controlled environment. Knowing this really helped me to endure.

Other things that add to the shock is just the change of ease from living in one hospital room vs living in an apartment. For instance, as part of the design of our apartment, I have to go down a tight spiral stairs to get to the bathroom, so when completely weak and out of breath, this was a very daunting journey.

Of course, the best part of ALL of this is that my health is returning (slowwwly, but surely) and that I am home with my boyfriend where we can finally collapse into the reality that we are not going to lose each other anymore over this. Those were some painful and terrifying days for both of us and now we just get to experience the relief and the patience for my recovery. I am really lucky to have him in my life. I hate being dependent and completely reliant on someone for the simplest things, so this is a real challenge for me. It's also a challenge for him since he's never had to have someone so dependent on him. Somehow, despite some minor grouchiness at times from both of our parts over this challenging adjustment, we both know what is important in the end and we have to trust and love and endure... and we do. Because we really do love each other beyond all of this.

So here's a little vlog to show you my skinny lil body and that I am walking and talking and being as normal as I can be within a few days of having been in a coma and almost dying! Yeesh, as much as I wish to be better NOW, it is still amazing to me that I am in this good of condition after such a shock of last weekend. Wow.

We can be amazing creatures.

ONE MINUTE WANDER: Home Again! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: THE COMEBACK!

2007-06-08T08:16:00.000-04:00

In comical honor of Valerie Cherish from the most-excellent, short-lived series "THE COMEBACK!" I am posting my last vlog from the hospital! Originally I thought I would be leaving tomorrow, but I am leaving today! Despite my near-death experiences, coma, and need for serious patience in recovering over the next few weeks, I still have my humor and love! YAY!

For those who don't know Valerie Cherish, you should really buy the series. AMAZING! I still laugh about several of the moments of genius comedy brought to it by Lisa Kudrow. This little vlog just made me laugh and happy to do because I am mimicking her trying to be "natural" as she made her reality tv statement that she was ready for her comeback!

So am I! YAY!

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: The Comeback! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: Contemplative Recovery

2007-06-07T14:47:00.001-04:00

Contemplative Recovery
Originally uploaded by CocteauBoy

Doctors and Nurses have expressed amazement at my recovery since leaving Intensive Care! I may be leaving the hospital in a day or two! YAY!

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Reporting in on Recovery! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY!

2007-06-06T15:00:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!

I wanted to post something positive again in response to my quick recovery. It's been a very scary and rough ride, but it seems I am exponentially repairing myself as each day passes! All I need to do is get my strength back in my legs, which is coming back nicely, and keeping my breathing balanced, as I had a lot of damage to my lungs from the pneumonia, of course.

My dad and Nick flew to Amsterdam to be my side during the worst part of all of this. I was doing fairly well and then was taken to Intensive Care just as they were to arrive, so Nick had to spend most of his time with me in my coma. Although I don't consciously remember it, he sang to me and soothed me as I struggled through the nights and day. I am so grateful for his enduring such a terrifying experience of watching a friend nearly die, or in so much pain.

Of course, I had my father and my boyfriend with me, along with my boyfriend's family. These people have very special love for me that was felt all the way down into my cells; I just know it.

My boyfriend has been with me every single day since this began nearly a month ago, and I have besides the practical, medical care that has definitely saved my life, I have to give my boyfriend credit for truly saving my LIFE. I have never felt such a kindness and love, ever in my life, and his devotion to my recovery and our relationship has changed everything about the way I feel about letting love into my life. I will never reject it again. I will never be mean to myself again. I will never EVER let pettiness and pride EVER get between me and the ones who love me. EVER. He has shown me a way of being loved that I never even knew I could allow in my life, let alone have so freely given to me and without any condition.

I don't know what's ahead for us, but I do know that we are bound forever by a love that probably started long before this life and extends far beyond what we can comprehend right now. This kind of love from him has allowed me to now see that I've always had this with my friends and family and even from acquaintances, and I feel bathed in a beauty that I never knew before. Of course, almost dying always puts things in perspective, too, so that helps.

Apparently, I am still a hoot while I am nearly dead and unconscious. I don't remember much, but reports from my loves have said that I was being dead-pan funny about some things. I can't believe I would be funny in the state I was in, but that's the big kid in me wanting to survive, I am sure.

One of the more touching and emotional reports I got was from my dad. He said that he asked me if there was anything he could get for me. I was strapped down, so I had limited mobility, but I pointed my finger. He said he couldn't understand what I was trying to say, so he kept asking until he figured out that I wanted his hand by my finger. When he held out his palm, he said I struggled, but spelled: J - I - P

When I heard this story I started bawling. It was both so "Lifetime TV Moment" and beautiful and I am just amazed that my love for Jip goes deep enough to be able to spell his name from a place of near-unconsciousness when I was asked what I needed/wanted.

Speaking of crying, because of my lack of ability to breathe, I have not been able to cry about all of this very easily... until today. Today I have been an emotional mess, but in a very good way. Crying for my realizations, for my friends' suffering through this with me, for my suffering, for everyone in the hospital who is suffering, for everyone who is struggling to live, emotionally or physically or intellectually...

My several bouts of crying today were also about gratitude and basically just catching up with my self. It feels great to cry. Like I am being aligned in other ways I need to be as part of my recovery.

Thanks to EVERYONE who took part in my healing... I'm not done, yet, but I am so much better.

I love you.

vlog: ANOTHER DAY OF RECOVERY! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: OUT OF INTENSIVE CARE

2007-06-05T09:33:00.001-04:00

I can't write a lot right now, but I was able to get access to the internet and my laptop today so I could send out a big love vlog to show that I am recovering. I have serious double-pneumonia, which is now gone, but my body's immune system collapsed and I spent a long time in the hospital. The past few days were with my being in Intensive Care in a coma on a respirator, because I could no longer create oxygen on my own. I am very lucky and happy to be alive. I hope the worst of all of this over, but I should still be in the hospital for another week or two as I regain my strength and learn to breathe on my own.

I can't thank those of you enough who have stuck through this with me and have sent to me cards, thoughts, good energy, healing, etc. I really needed it. I still do and I hope you keep me with you in your happy thoughts.

I know I look really awful in this video and I have lost about 30 lbs, but at least I am feeling healthier and can walk a little and speak easily. YAY! My spirits remain high!

LOVE YOU ALL

ONE MINUTE WANDERS: Out of Intensive Care from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

hospital

2007-05-21T04:01:00.001-04:00

just a quick note that my condition is getting so bad that i may have to be hospitalized. i will know more, later. i hope i have good news soon.

Did You Send The Faeries?

2007-05-20T05:18:00.000-04:00

THE FAERIES ARE COMING?

I had an amazing "dream" this morning. I have to put dream in quotes because it was not a normal dream that I have ever had. I have had the range of dreams from basic symbolic dreams to Lucid Dreaming, but this was... different. Not only was I awake as far as I could tell, but I was aware enough to discern that I wasn't dreaming. I was able to watch what I saw unfold and choose to allow it, and also to consider the source from where it was coming. I'm not saying I wasn't dreaming, but that it SEEMED that I was totally awake and aware, but who knows with these things.

See, I "dreamt" that faeries were swarming my chest this morning. Hundreds and hundreds of bright, quiet, dutiful, tiny, little faeries in a organized pattern swarming from one corner of the bed, down across my right shoulder, landing on my chest in a pattern of my lungs, transferring something either to or from little spots in my chest, and then each moving on, being replaced immediately by the next, so that it was a constant wave. It was like a river of glittery, shimmering lights that weren't too bright or incredible, just pretty. My chest was constantly covered, with each faerie landing, transferring something, and then leaving, only to be replaced by the next. It was like a highly-organized hive of some insect feeding on me, or planting something on me, in this swarm of light and gentle, breezy wings. They were SO tiny and fast! I know there were a handful of them directing the flow and traffic of the swarm, and I remember thinking how perfectly smooth the flow was.

LIGHT OF MY LUNGS

I did have enough sense about me to think, "I don't even believe in this shit. I don't believe in FAERIES! Please." It then occurred to me that this "energy" may have been sent by someone who DOES believe in things like this and somehow it sustained its shape to the point where I was able to experience it without distorting it. I kept thinking, "wow, someone sent their faeries to heal me." And I went with that. I lay back down and watched the soft-light show, listened to the bristling buzz, and fell back asleep.

The strange thing was that when I woke up again, they were still there, but in less numbers, like the process was almost finished, but still in progress. All I knew was that I was happy with what it felt like they were doing and I lay back down and rest, assured.

I woke up one more time to see only a small quantity of these little faeries remaining, finishing up with my chest, and then they were all gone.

I thought this was one of the strangest, most beautiful dreams I have had in a long time. And I do wonder if someone sent me their idea of "faerie energy" for healing!

If you did, it got to me!

Pneumonia Blues

2007-05-18T09:12:00.001-04:00

EVIL PNEUMONIA

I don't seem to be getting better, but I can't tell, really. This pneumonia symptoms come and go with severity throughout the day. All I know is that for the most part, I am in serious pain and aching and lack of breath more often than not. I am on day four of the antibiotics, and the doctor said I shouldn't expect any signs of getting better until the actual last day of the treatment, so I still have hope.

Please keep me in your sweet thoughts and good energy.

A = GOOD LUNGS

B = PNEUMONIA LUNGS (especially left side)

vlog: X-ray Day

2007-05-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

ON THE WAY TO X-RAY-VILLE

Okay, most of you probably don't know that over the past week or so I have slowly lost my ability to move without losing all ability to breath properly. It started slowly and then became debilitating over a few days. I tried to just let it pass, at first, but it became apparent that I was becoming seriously compromised when I would have to crawl through the door of the apartment after climbing the steps, and lie for about 15 minutes recovering, panting, coughing, and panicking. I am in great shape from walking dogs and I climb stairs on a regular basis, so to become crippled like this was very shocking.

I finally made an appointment with a doctor. I was worried about this because I am foreign and have no insurance, but I was taken in with no qualms, as long as I paid cash, which ended up being surprisingly less-expensive than any American doctor I had ever seen.

I don't actually see a lot of doctors in my life because I am lucky to be really healthy, but for the times I have had to go to the hospital, I have never been able to pay the hundreds and hundreds of dollars charged for making me wait for hours, then sending me home with nothing but a prescription that I can't afford on top of the bill.

Still, my first doctor visit revealed nothing to the doctor as I showed nothing visually as symptoms, except that my breathing was labored and short. He checked my lungs with a stethoscope and said whatever I had would pass. He then set me up with a prescription for something related to asthma relief.

As soon as I got the medication I took it, especially since the doctor and pharmacist insisted it would have me feeling better within 10 minutes! I was thrilled! All I had to do was crack this pill inside some kind of inhaler, breathe in (which was very difficult to do), and I was set! I took the medicine and went on my merry way to see Jip's play that evening, thinking I was going to be well in no time.

Ten minutes passed and nothing was better.

I took another dosage, thinking I may have done it wrong the first time since I couldn't really breathe in that easily.

I got to Jip's area of town where the play was and realized I was in worse shape than I had been the entire time. I had to turn around and go right back home, but not before forcing myself to buy groceries for our hopeful dinner together and then standing and staring up at the glass-enclosed space where I knew his play was being performed, seeing people milling about, and wishing so desperately to be better so I wouldn't miss his play. I hated having to go back home... but it was a good thing I did.

Except, since I thought I may have taken the first and second doses incorrectly, I went ahead and took TWO MORE, because the prescription was for 4 pills a day, and I was now certain I should be taking them all at once. (Language barriers can leave you with a lot of confusion in some situations -- okay, leave ME with a lot of confusion.)

For the next two days, I lay in misery, shakes, breathless, and feverish, dehydrated, and with one of the worst headaches I have ever had, some of it from whatever I had as an illness, and the rest brought on by the overdose of the medication.

Jip made another doctor appointment for me on a day when he could go with me so he could push any issues using Dutch, if he had to. He totally had my back, and was all puffed up and ready to fight for me if I wasn't taken seriously. Adorable! Adorable, I say!

The doctor asked a few questions, which I wheezed through, and he finally commented, "well, you do look rather sick now, compared to last time." He still just kind of stared at me and shrugged his shoulders, suggesting he had no idea what it was. I suggested that I might have a pneumonia that would require an X-ray to diagnose, and he obliged us with an appointment at the hospital. I don't know what he would have said if I hadn't suggested this, but it seemed to me that he would have been pretty clueless. That's been my experience with most doctors, though: I am the one who tells them what I have, and not the other way around.

Jip escorted me to the hospital, which took a lot of time and effort as I could barely move or breathe, but we got there. We found the X-ray section and didn't wait long, getting my X-rays within minutes, and having the technician come out shortly after... but during those minutes of waiting, Jip and I started running all kinds of crazy thoughts through our heads in worst-case scenarios, catching ourselves, and then trying to keep our spirits up.

AWAITING X-RAY

This was all made worse when the technician came out and said that what he could see was not normal and that he needed others to check the images before he could tell us what to do.

So now Jip and I are in slight panics, with even some choked-back tears, and "we shouldn't be thinking like this" moments.

And then the tech came out and said that it was advised we get to the emergency room right away, based on what was being seen in the images. Jip tried to press for what was wrong, and the tech just said, "If the infiltrate is small, it will be okay, but if it's big, it will be serious." He couldn't explain to us what "infiltrate" meant in medical terms, so we just hurried on to the emergency room. Well, I hobbled meaningfully in that direction.

As we finally entered the emergency room and took a seat, Jip commented that in emergency rooms, only those with serious emergencies get called in before others, so as long as we weren't being called, that was a good sign.

We got called upon immediately.

We were led to a room where I was questioned about my previous health history, had all of my vitals checked, gave blood for testing, and then a doctor spoke to me about the situation.

She basically said that there was definitely an infection in my lungs, but they needed to know what kind of infection so they could properly recommend treatment. In the meantime, she had a lot of questions about my experience with the development of the symptoms, and the scariest part was asking if I was HIV+, because "we usually don't see this kind of infection outside of those with seriously-compromised immune systems." I didn't want to get into a huge debate about the lack of science behind HIV testing and the whole AIDS theory, but I told her I hadn't been tested in a long time. Of course, this sent Jip and I into new territories of fear and anxiety as we were now left to wait for the blood tests. The only thing of which we were assured, and this was because Jip made sure he asked anyone who might have an answer, was that I would not be dying that day.

So Jip and I waited, and waited, and waited, and the anxiety levels peaked and then fell away to exhaustion and restlessness...

The doctor finally called on us and Jip and I were taken into a room for discussion. I was intuitively feeling pretty good about everything in general, but it is amazing how much fear can cloud your senses as it tries to prepare you for the worst threats you can think of.

I told I was going to be fine... that my vitals were all great, my blood sugar was balanced, my oxygen in my blood is healthy, and my blood was free from any immuno-deficiencies. In other words, I was perfectly healthy, except for what I had... which turned out to be "atypical pneumonia," though a rare strain, according to the doctor. Atypical Pneumonia is often called WALKING Pneumonia, since it shows very little symptoms, sometimes not even showing in X-rays.

I was given a prescription for 7 days of Antibiotics for treatment, with the assurance that it should knock it out within those 7 days. YAY!!! And even though I was just diagnosed with a potentially-deadly disease, I felt such relief! Not only from the fact that I think this will pass easily now that I have something specific to treat, and it will be treated properly, but also because of all of the good health feedback!

I have rarely had to go to the doctor in my life, except in some rare emergencies, so I have been really lucky, and I have given a lot of trust to my body and intuition in my life, but I knew I needed to see a doctor this time, and it was great to hear some validation of my little body's health... poor little thing, dragging me around all day the way it does.

Oh, and one of the fun parts of the day for Jip, of course, was getting to see me squirm, shirtless and shy, twice today, as I got examined. I normally hate being exposed and I had to be all cool and calm and let Jip just get his eye-full of candy before I finally had to just tell him to stop staring. Here I am, wheezing and folded and having no strength to even try to be sexy, but somehow I guess it still comes through... even as I have pneumonia. I really wanted to hate that I was being exposed like that, but there was something just as healing in that exposure as there was in the feedback about my good health.

Thanks to everyone who has sent support, love, donations, and healing my way. This illness has taken a toll in a lot of ways, so your help is really appreciated. Thanks to my dear friends for being so concerned about me and wishing to be with me by my side as I deal with this, and I am so sorry I am so far away.

And thank you to Jip, who has gone above and beyond in taking care of me and making sure I am treated properly. Seriously, I would not have been able to be helped today, if not for him, so send Jip a LOT of love.

I love you, Jip. There, I said it.

The following is a surprise video Jip made of me after our long day at the hospital, walking on the subway platform, and in between breathing attacks... we were so relieved at this point.

One-Minute Wander: X-ray Day from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

vlog: HEY CHICKENS!

2007-05-10T11:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday on my way to Jip's play, I found an abandoned boat along the canal with some strange birds making a little home for their family. I thought you might get a kick of of this:

One-Minute Wanders: HEY CHICKENS! from CocteauBoy on Vimeo

And for those who don't know me very well, I call any bird I see on the street a Chicken; even the pigeons. I just think it's funny. I like to make myself laugh.

Heh heh...

The Meaning of Meaning

2007-05-10T07:00:00.000-04:00

Here is another excerpt from some recent channeling for a group online:

EXCERPT:

Many of you search for meaning and truth within this life, in general, and this gets played out in the microcosmic level, if you will, within your relationships. However, as your soul matures, so does your realizations regarding Meaning and Truth. And as with the realization that will one day be found by all of you about life, the same will be found in regard to your relationships at some point: THERE IS NO MEANING TO BE FOUND.

This threshold of realization can be one of the most terrifying crossroads for any Essence and particularly for the Personality within a lifetime that finally grasps this Universal Truth.

MEANING DOES NOT EXIST AS SOMETHING TO BE FOUND.
MEANING IS SOMETHING THAT ONE MUST CREATE.

Note that we have not said that there is NO meaning, simply that it cannot be FOUND; it must be CREATED.

Only insofar as you are participating in the creation of meaning in your life and in your relationships will you experience the discovery. Many of you tend to find that your relationships must come with a built-in significance that is unveiled and discovered as one assumes past lives are involved, Essence Contact, Cadre and Entity resonance, or Agreements, but this is simply not the case. In every moment one has to create meaning between who you are and to that which you are relating. Beyond that, everything else is simply information, static facts. The profound resonance one may find with another is NOT the meaning that will be the foundation of the relationship. That attraction is only the memory of other meanings, other facts, and the initiator of contact, but it is NOT the meaning. This holds true for those relationships that are not pleasant, as well, or that are anticipated with dread. The meaning you "find" within those instances are as created by you as any of your most profound joys between you and another.

The longer you wait for meaning to be revealed to you, the longer you will remain asleep and in the negative poles of your Overleaves. We call this "meaninglessness" of life a Universal Truth because that is what it is, and it is True, with or without your approval. However, as with any Universal Truth, it is not a truth that can be told to you, or given to you, and then made true for you; it must be sensed, searched for, evolved, and then comprehended. By this we mean that you must eventually feel you have had the proof you need for this truth to be a Truth.

For most of you, we believe you have found the proof of meaninglessness in many of your daily activities and long-term goals, as well as within your most beloved relationships and repulsive enemies. You SENSE this meaninglessness as a Truth because part of you is beginning to suspect that meaning is not inherent, it is created. It is yours. You have seen the proof of this in your fluctuating feelings and commitments to those things to which you relate. One day you may feel inspired and in awe of the one beside you in bed, and the next day you may feel repulsed and agitated with a sense that feels overwhelming to ponder.

It should be noted that there are 3 Arcs of Meaning to be created within a life and within relationships. A FOUNDATIONAL ARC exists as the primary meaning across which all effort ranging from basic nurturing to ultimate agape within that relationship or life is motivated. The Foundational Arc is the arc to which one must always remain close as the shorter arcs fluctuate. The Foundational Arc is what remains even when the life is completed or a relationship appears to have ended. If one were to think of the Foundational Arc as the full potential meaning that one creates for the life or relationship, it would not be amiss.

Within the Foundational Arc is the CONTEXTUAL ARC, which gives variation of meaning within the larger arc, relative to specific experiences for the day, month, year, etc. The Contextual Arc can sometimes seem to conflict with the Foundational Arc, but understanding the meaning you have created within these specific experiences can help you to understand who you are, more than it is to be used to determine the fate of a relationship or life. Thinking of the Foundational Arc as the rainbow of potential within the life or relationship, then the Contextual Arcs are the colors through which that Foundation is explored.

Within the Contextual Arcs are the MOOD ARCS, which give clever expression to the flow of ones overall tone of intellectual, emotional, physical states at any given time, which is much like the HUE for the COLOR that is the current Contextual Arc. Mood Arcs are often THE meaning that one is most aware of and can often destroy the meaning that was created as a foundation. To know of your Mood Arcs can save your life or relationship.

Foundational Arcs are THE MEANING I CREATE AS POTENTIAL FOR THIS LIFE OR RELATIONSHIP.

Contextual Arcs are THE MEANING I CREATE FROM THE EXPERIENCES I AM HAVING WITHIN THIS LIFE OR RELATIONSHIP.

Mood Arcs are THE MEANING I CREATE ABOUT MYSELF IN RELATION TO THE EXPERIENCES I AM HAVING RIGHT NOW.

It is over the month of May and June that you may see more of this proof of meaninglessness that then, ironically, opens your entire world to a new level of absolute meaning. The meaning you create within your life and within your relationships is the direct expression of your consciousness and Essence at any given time. In other words, the meaning you create is the path for your soul to enter into the world around and beyond you and to bring back the experiences to help support in that meaning.

So as you struggle with the meaning you see and feel around you, you may find the WHAT THE HELL??? phrase to be of use to you. This will allow you the levity to create the meaning you feel is relevant to you in the moment, or to allow room for the shifts in meaning that do tend to happen as you shift in consciousness and Essence Manifestation.

END EXCERPT

So what does this mean to you?

What to Expect from Expectations

2007-05-10T06:52:00.000-04:00

Some of you know the work I do and that it involves channeling an entity everyone calls "Michael." I just thought I'd share some excerpts from a recent session that seemed to really hit home with me and many others. It's not "new" information, but it was just timely for a lot of us. Let me know what you think.

[Question] Could you suggest exercises or information that would aid with the ability to let go of expectation(s)?

[Michael Entity] Yes: to allow yourself the freedom of expectations. This is the only means you have for learning to navigate your expectations. To "let go" of expectation is about as useful as giving up your legs; yes, it can be done, but mobility is not enhanced by doing so.

Embracing your expectations is to embrace your inner map. However, the expectations that are often felt to be so compelling are simply not the truth of that inner map. To allow the embrace of those expectations can often then reveal the truth of this, and allow for more appropriate desires to lead the way.

Expectation is neutral. Your ability to use the tool of expectation is a spectrum. There is a negative form of expectation and a positive form. To expect that the sun will rise can be seen to be quite natural. To expect a loved one to conform to your ideals is quite another end of the spectrum. In this case, it could then be said that TRUST is the positive pole of Expectation and DEMAND is the negative pole. To demand that the sun rise as you will it in the middle of the night is as fruitless as forcing upon another your ideals. To trust that your loved one can find his or her own path of expression and truth despite your ideals is as beautiful an expectation as one that allows the sun to rise on its own.

If there is pain involved in your experience of expectation, it is quite likely that it is in the realm of DEMANDS. In this case, one must do the work of exploring WHY one would have such demands and then allow room for a shift of attention. In most cases of DEMAND, or painful expectation, one is in a self-karmic cycle of punishment, either upon the self or upon another. There is a perpetual investment in the Demand until there is vindication. To understand that this is a cycle of punishment will often allow room for the true inner map to be found and a new peaceful navigation to be found.

To understand that this is a cycle of punishment is to surrender to the truth that "you will never be right." When Expectations are painful, when they are DEMANDS, you can never be right. You can only impose your will, if that, but you will never be right. To grasp the reality that there may be more to you than being right can be a disturbing buoy to free oneself from. But there is so much more to you. Demands lead to unfulfilled expectations, which is a root of anger, which is a form of punishment.

It is quite obvious to most of you as to where you are Demanding and where you are Trusting. Free yourselves to navigate more gently, softly, and you will find your expectations have clues, motivations, and magnetism within them that are a part of your true inner map.

NOTE: We use the statement "you will never be right" as it relates to this particular experience, not as an implication that there is actually a wrong or right.

To learn more about my work with Michael, channeling, and the services that I provide, check out: http://www.TruthLoveEnergy.com

vlog: LOVE FEAST

2007-05-07T10:37:00.000-04:00

Oh, rather than wait until I have the time and focus for a big post, I like getting these One-Minute Wanders up for everyone. The feedback really helps me feel close to everyone, so thank you for that!

In this episode, Jip introduces me to his favorite snack shack during a little special outing together, and we prove that we are too fancy and gourmet for most people. So grab a napkin and pull up a chair! Wish you were here!

One-Minute Wanders: LOVE FEAST from CocteauBoy

vlog: THE PERFECTION OF CHAOS

2007-05-01T04:36:00.000-04:00

I have a very big blog entry coming up, but I did want to get this One Minute Wander up here to share.

This is a typical intersection in Amsterdam. This intersection isn't even really that bad, and to capture the multitude of directions for which a person has to be aware just can't be captured on my little camera. I think you will get the gist, though. I adapted to it pretty easily, but I do feel lucky that I have had my many years of New York experiences to prepare me. I feel so bad for the tourists who aren't used to anything more than a single car at an intersection. Be sure to keep your eye on the tourist looking dumbfounded and confused, checking her map, with her big fanny pack, who almost gets killed by the trolley that comes out of nowhere!

One-Minute Wanders: THE PERFECTION OF CHAOS on Vimeo

Homesick in a Place I Can Call Home

2007-04-28T05:14:00.000-04:00

I've only been here three days, but homesickness just hit.

I had a slight panic yesterday that was exactly what I had anticipated would happen. It was just this realization that I AM ON ANOTHER CONTINENT! It's this claustrophobic feeling of not being able to just get on the subway to reach a friend, or just to make a simple phone call, or take a road trip to family. Everyone is SO FAR AWAY!

It's alright, though. It's pretty normal, as far as I'm concerned. And I am glad I anticipated it, because that allowed me to treat myself more gently and kindly, rather than freak out with shock and reaction.

Yesterday, I wandered around "downtown" Amsterdam and was really surprised at how emotional I got. Some parts were so touristy that it was not really much different from being in an irritating part of Manhattan, where I love it and hate it at the same time, but then I would turn down a narrow street of crooked, gorgeous buildings and feel such a sense of remembering. Not since I found New York City did I ever feel the kind of "oh my god, I'm home" feeling until now.

I absolutely know that reincarnation exists. I've had enough experience with this subject to prove its validity to me, even if I don't really know how it REALLY works; I do know there is enough evidence to at least convince me that the concept is legitimate, even if some of the testimonies and research isn't. There are reasons I say I know reincarnation is valid, but I will go into those another time. For now, I just wanted to mention it because the "remembering feeling" I have in being here in Amsterdam is pretty powerful.

When I turned down a few of those streets, I felt home.

I felt like I was collecting parts of myself left here from ages ago. I've had that feeling of remembering with several people in my life (including Jip), but only once for a PLACE. I had a brief experience of this in Tucson, AZ (but I think it was associated with the person there, not the place), but New York City wins, hands down, for being a PLACE I love as much as I would love a person. It looks like I may be adding Amsterdam to that tiny list!

More observations, later! And Pix!!

VLOG: Out My Window & The Euro

2007-04-26T08:48:00.000-04:00

From where I am staying with my bf, the sounds of children playing dance through the air to bring a lot of spirit, the chirping of birds makes it feel like there is no way to have a bad day, and the smell of flowers forces you to close your eyes for a moment and simply be present. My experience is of such a peace, so far, and I wanted to share that with you as best I can.

This first video is a view from the window. I could have done this better from the balcony, but I happened to be looking out the window and spontaneously recorded what I was seeing.

One Minute Wanders: OUT MY WINDOW on Vimeo

In this video, I introduce you to the Euro from my inexperienced American angle. I don't MEAN to be such a dumbass, but I am pretty new at being the foreigner, so everything makes me giddy and things that are taken for granted by locals seem exciting and inspiring to me!

One Minute Wanders: THE EURO on Vimeo

Introducing: ONE MINUTE WANDERS (the vlog)

2007-04-26T08:00:00.000-04:00

I've decided to document my adventures in Amsterdam through Vlogging (video blogging), so you will now find these videos occasionally! Since my memory card is so small in my camera, I can only create one minute videos (approx), so I decided during this video to create "One Minute Wonders" for my blog! But then, I liked the idea of One-Minute WANDERS better, hence the creation of this collection of videos! YAY!

For those receiving this feed in email or through a feedreader, the videos may not come through, so just use the convenient links provided.

In this video, I have just arrived, feel very tired, sick, have a massive headache, which you can tell by the way I am talking so tightly, trying to minimize the effect on my head.

One-Minute Wanders: First Day in Amsterdam on Vimeo

In this video, I am LOOKING even worse, but I was feeling better...

One-Minute Wanders: First Purchase in Amsterdam on Vimeo

The Heart That Flies Never Dies

2007-04-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

Well, here I go...

Part of me is in absolute disbelief and shock, while another part of me is happier than ever! I can't believe I decided to make this huge change and then... DID IT! I don't know why I would even be shocked; I always do this.

Follow your hearts, everyone. Keep your wits about you, but follow your heart. It's the most aligned part of you that you have with the universe. It may lead you into confusing and terrifying places, but that's your head trying to make sense of something that really has no logic. There is always meaning and beauty to be found in the places your heart lead you, even if your mind tries to trick you into thinking you've made a "mistake."

There is no such thing.

If I had used logic as my navigation through this, I would find evidence of far more reasons NOT to go than to go; not that the evidence would even be accurate, just easier to find because when you focus on what makes sense, what is tangible, it will always be evidence of where you've come from, not about where you are going. What's around you is what you've created already, so if I had no concept of my moving to another country, that's what I would find... no evidence to support how that could possibly be true.

The intangible future of my creation comes from my desires, my heart, the perceptions that bypass logic and proof, moving into a rare place of creative effort, playful trust, and honest choice.

Yes, I may crash and burn on the plane; I may find this doesn't work in the way I may ultimately imagine; I may be immediately rejected; I may fall flat on my face... but from even those potential experiences, it is up to me as to how I deal with it, and I will NEVER regret following my heart. I never have.

So, there are no guarantees. There is only CHOICE. And I chose this. I created it. I own the responsibilities involved, and I will make new choices as my experiences unfold.

Okay then... here I go...

This is my last blog entry from inside the United States... for a while!

See you on the other side with a whole new adventure and entries about my impressions of Amsterdam, Europe, and my life's potential there.

XOXO
Troy

PS. Please see previous blog entries for ways to keep in contact with me directly and please consider a donation to help keep me from starving. I'm taking big risks, but it's also an investment toward more love and adventure on the planet! YAY!

KEEP TROY ALIVE!

2007-04-20T02:36:00.000-04:00

KEEP TROY ALIVE!
The Amsterdam Fund Project
Please make a donation to help keep Troy alive and fed while he transitions from America to Amsterdam.

ANYTHING will be helpful.

Thank you so much!!

Please consider one or ALL of these social networks online to help me stay in contact with you more directly while I am in Holland:

FOR THOSE WHO REALLY WANT TO REMAIN REALLY CLOSE TO ME:

JOIN FACEBOOK and connect with me @ http://www.facebook.com
Once you are a member, please find me as CocteauBoy or search for me using Troy@TruthLoveEnergy.com

You can then join the private COCTEAUBOY LOVES YOU Group at FaceBook and everyone in the group can keep in direct contact with me that way! This group connection will allow us to share videos, blog entries, comments, support, links, details, private and personal messages, etc. and f you use FireFox, you can even download the FaceBook Toolbar from the FireFox addons so you can be alerted to any and all activity related to your account!

AND EVEN MORE for the serious friend!

JOIN TWITTER:
http://www.twitter.com is a simple, simple user profile that only asks one question: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This can be updated at any point during your day and all people within your network are then alerted in various real-time ways (including TEXT MSGING!) as to "what I am doing!" If you check out my blog at http://www.SugarHiccupHiccup.blogspot.com, you will see the Twitter Widget in the side column is always updated!

FOR additional connection, or as a milder alternative to FaceBook:

JOIN MYSPACE and add me as a friend through http://www.MySpace.com/CocteauBoy! When you belong to MySpace, PLEASE SUBSCRIBE to my MySpace blog so you can leave comments to keep me company: http://www.blog.myspace.com/cocteauboy YAY!!

For those who just wish to hear the basic updates, but not to be signed up for a network, please subscribe for my SugarHiccupHiccup Blog entries to be sent directly to your inbox and make sure you comment and keep me company as I document my adventure!
Thanks for staying connected with me and showing your support!!!

Troy

Linoleum Love

2007-04-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

I picked up my passport today, and as I opened the envelope and looked at the book, saw my picture, the pages for visas, the blue and gold binding... I started getting really choked up. Having that in my hand represented so much about what is to come in the months ahead.

I've uprooted my entire life. I've released so many things to make room for this. WHY?

Because... well, I'm really REALLY in love. I'm not just IN love... I FEEL loved.

Why do I feel loved all of a sudden by someone when I have been surrounded by love all of my life?

Well, it's said in metaphysics and self-help philosophies that we only feel love from others to the extent that we truly love ourselves. If I love myself (i.e. truly embrace and accept me) at about 40% and someone else truly loves me at 100%, then I will only allow myself to feel and experience up to 40% of all of that love being freely given to me. It's not that we aren't actually loved 100%, but that we don't integrate all of that life-enriching energy as a part of our structure, our perspectives, our lives.

See, it's one thing for me to feel love for someone. Ohhhh, I am SO good at that. Oh yes, big-hearted me is so perfect at loving others, but what about poor little me? Who loves ME?

For most of my life, the love I do feel from someone seems to have to be manufactured. I intellectually grasp that my friends love me, that my father loves me, that my ex's all love me (well, most of them) and that my best friends truly love me, but in the end, it has always felt like I kind of had to just pretend the love into my life. I didn't really FEEL it. I know it is there, but I just let it glide over the numbness I feel in relation to others. It's a shocking revelation, but yeah... as animated and alive and free and open and loving as I am, if looked into more closely, I carry a beautiful, gorgeous numbness that's glossy, shiny, and perfectly happy to remain untouched.

So, again: why do I feel loved now? Why do I truly feel loved by my boyfriend now when I have always been loved by others in the past?

Because he bravely and lovingly calls me out on my bullshit.

Okay, maybe someone has tried the same in the past, but that was MAYBE one person. This is the first time, though, that someone has a language that can get through to me. What he says to me is not something new to me, but are truths that I have oh-so-carefully found ways of moving around in me like crowded passengers in a subway car. I have them step aside as I move in and I make plenty of room for whatever I need to do and be, but... they are still there; shuffling around me with excuses and courtesies that have become an art.

What my boyfriend does is make absolute room for my insecurities without shaming me, calls me out on my "higher perspectives" and on my oh-so-perfect way of loving that is just a slick effort to sabotage us. He helps me to accept the room and expression needed for the emotions and feelings I may have that are sometimes a contradiction against my intellectual salves.

Seriously, this is AMAZING to me. I have never had such an invitation to safety in my life. Actually... I've never had safety in my life. Ever. I've found my sanctuary in me, in my giving, in my helping people and animals and life, but... I've never felt... SAFE.

God, this means the world to me. It means the world to me because it means something has changed in me. It means I'm starting to embrace these shuffling parts inside me that I've always protected and I'm allowing them to integrate into me. What I've been doing is keeping these parts of me safe, dividing the core of me away from these parts as a form of protection, but never really BEING safe.

It feels a little embarrassing and vulnerable to talk about not feeling safe, not feeling loved, and recognizing a kind of handicap that has gone unattended for so long. It makes me feel like I've been a fraud, or guilty for the efforts others have made in trying to love me in the past, but that's just another form of self-sabotage... and I can let it speak its heart and not lie about it; I can embrace it, and bring it home... safe and sound.

It's not my boyfriend who is doing the work for me. He can't. But he finds the words I need to hear from outside of me so that I have the opportunity to no longer ignore them from inside. I feel such surrender and peace when he calls me out on this stuff, but it's ME who has to do the actual work after that.

And I do.

Because. It. Feels. LIBERATING!

There is a huge age difference between my boyfriend and me, and despite the fact that nearly everyone, including his mom and my dad and my friends and his friends are all being very supportive and encouraging, I still had to question this time difference between us. Of course, I've also questioned the seeming insanity of leaving the country to follow my heart into a gamble that may or may not last in the way we would wish, looking closely at the risks and distance between us that had to be overcome. It turns out that the time and space are not obstacles at all.

When I look at why I am giving us a chance, it's because of the kind of love that is shared between us that I've never really experienced before. It hits me every day. It washes over me like warmth and trust and soothes my feathers of fear as I near my flight of no return. How can I NOT give this a chance? Some people may think it's crazy to uproot your life and move through space to another country, and to find common ground in the time that exists between our age differences... risking everything for the sake of a gamble on Love... but I say:

it's fucking crazy NOT to do so!

We live in a world that doesn't do enough for the sake of Love. We are so quick to develop the art of courtesy and acquaintances, or to devastate another person as a way to fill the vacuum of loneliness we carry, but how often do we take the necessary risks for LOVE? No conditions, no demands, no intent but to experience more love... in the giving and in the receiving.

The Entity I channel, Michael, has said on many occasions that most of what passes for Love is far from what love really is. I've always been able to see that in others, but only recently did I see that I was playing the same games, maybe with more finesse, but the same games, nonetheless. It's only been in the last year that I started seeing clues that I had tricked myself into thinking I was being so loving, when all I was doing was being protective.

I look forward to who I may be in the years ahead because of this recent revelation. I have lived so long the way I am, I almost can't imagine who I will be in a world where I feel safe.

But I am ready to find out.

For the longest time I was doing just fine, as if living from a room that was bright, sunny, warm, and inviting, but what has happened is that I now realize the floor I've been walking on for so long was just a layer of linoleum, dented, pitted, and worn, but working just fine. I may have gone my whole life with this layer, but now... now me and my boyfriend are pulling up the sticky mess and finding this glowing, protected hardwood that I forgot existed in me.

IT'S UNDER THERE SOMEWHERE

In a Maybe World

2007-04-12T19:27:00.000-04:00

It baffles me to no end to have the closest people to you in your life have a completely, absolutely, utterly different set of memories about your past together than you do. On the one hand, this can be explained by poor memory; it can also be explained by selective memory; and it can be explained by defensive, self-protective memory.

Another explanation is that BOTH lines of memory are valid and that the universe has room for both time lines of experiences that seem to be relevant to the one remembering. This bizarre discrepancy of memory among people is so easily dismissed as such things as pettiness, resentment, romanticizing, poor memory, but... just... what if... it's ALL true?

No more arguing points; no more defending stances; no more dismissal of personal feelings; no more losses of friendship; no more blame; no more over-indulgence against the will of another...

I'm just sayin....

....maybe the universe is more accommodating than we are.

Maybe there is something to learn from that.

How to be my Boyfriend

2007-04-09T16:03:00.000-04:00

DEAL BREAKING AND MAKING

I am 39 years old now and I have never dated. I've never had to date. I just sort of bumble along and enjoy life, then suddenly I meet a guy with whom I connect strongly and then we discover we'd make great boyfriends and we give it a shot (and then I get dumped 10 months to 4 years later). That's been the way I have found and held every boyfriend relationship, so far.

I've never been one who could "date around," or go out with one guy tonight and another tomorrow night. It's not that I have a weird judgment against dating around, but just that I don't know how to do it very well. I think my heart is too sensitive, or something. I just feel really uncomfortable with the idea of "shopping" for a person, and I prefer for it to happen more organically; unexpectedly. I like the surprise of a wonderful rapport, rather than the search for it. In the meantime I get to work on myself in a way that may make me an even better boyfriend for someone, as well as being a better person for myself. So, "dating," to me, reduces the magic of personal growth and surprise of life to an interviewing process of distraction from self, and is not a natural exchange for me.

Dating around means someone is going to be potentially chosen and many are going to be potentially rejected. I like neither of those options; at least, not with such an emphasis. I'd rather an experience of emergence, discovery, and playfulness (and potential friendship) than an experience of interview and assessment. The interviewing and assessment is going to happen, no matter what, so I'd rather it just be a gentle undercurrent than to have it to be the focus.

Even when I've met someone from online for a "date," I always explain that my first meeting can't really be considered a date. It's just a meeting. It's just a chance to hang out and get to know each other and focus on a friendship and from there we can THEN decide if we'd like to go on a date. I'd rather meet a potential friend than to lose that possibility because we are incompatible as boyfriends; I'd rather make a date with someone in person than to make a date with someone I've never met.

I don't know why I prefer all of these things, but it's the way I work.

Another thing I've always preferred is to never be too rigid in my expectations and wishes for what I would want in a mate. All of my fundamental basics that make up my identity are kept as MY fundamental basics and not something to wish from someone else, or to impose on someone else. I'd rather discover the fundamentals about another person and then create a unique world of combination. For the most part, my most successful and fulfilling relationships were rooted in the mutual respect and exploration of our different identities, even when fundamentals were at odds to each other.

SO... for 20 years of my life of relationships/dating I've not "dated around," and I've experimented with flexibility of fundamentals....

....and now I am ready try something different.

I still don't think I can date around (I just don't have that in me), but I want to enforce a few things that I would consider "fundamental deal makers," instead of being so flexible. In my flexibility, I find that I become very willing to be the invisible person in the relationship. It's a certain sabotage that I've found in me as a pattern. It's not that I deny the things that are fundamental about me, but that I feel a strength in my being able to set mine aside for the importance of someone else's. While this IS a strength to some degree, it is also a contributor to the detriment of a relationship, because when your relationship with yourself becomes compromised by your emphasis on your relationship with someone else, you cut off your own air. You clip your wings while encouraging the flight of another.

And then you wonder why they leave.

So... I've decided to gently hold some of my fundamentals in strong consideration when a potential boyfriend now comes along, and that includes my current relationship that has blossomed out of nowhere. This is 20 years worth of experience that has helped me to discover what is truly important to me and I'm also secure enough with myself now that I don't really feel a need to be so compromised in order to have a relationship. I'd rather be free and single than to feel lonely and invisible in a relationship. I'd rather keep my relationship with myself as healthy and whole than to divide myself into something more digestible for another person.

I've thought about this a lot.

Some people call these things "deal breakers," but I'm trying to emphasize the more inspiring angle of "Deal Makers." The more deal makers being fulfilled in a potential relationship, the more likely that relationship could be profoundly fulfilling for both of us. I would never IMPOSE these on another person, but I am brave enough now to let that person go on his merry way if he is not interested in similar, common grounds.

DEAL MAKERS

Socially graceful, friendly, and actually likes people
Loves reading together (quietly, or out loud to each other)
Loves being playful, in general, without thinking he is "too old" or "mature" or "too cool" or "too stupid" for silly playfulness
Loves color and brightness and appreciates toys as part of a home
Finds laughter to be an intimate bonding factor
Vegan, Vegetarian, or on his way to either of those
Sees animals as valid, feeling Beings who are not to be exploited, enslaved, farmed, worn, or eaten
Questions the very nature of reality and enjoys long, thoughtful conversations about such things
Finds benefit in discussing issues that arise as conflicts or differences or insecurities between us
Is naturally monogamous and finds that to be exciting, sexual, and sensual, and not a weird, resentful burden
Finds it thought-provoking, inspiring, and almost obligatory to question against mainstream conclusions about life, events, and truths
Finds insecurities to be something to soothe and heal, not to use against each other, or to feel are burdens
Is not religious, but spiritual
Is not political, but aware
Feels good about considering the impact of his choices on me, and does not feel burdened by that extra step in thinking
Does not smoke and understands why it's a violation to be around it in public (I've added this one for two reasons: kissing a smoker is gross, sorry; and if you can't understand why no person's habits should be something another person should be forced to partake in, then you probably don't have a clear idea about appreciating shared space; honoring shared space is NOT the same thing as taking away people's right to choose and do what they want)

So, those are some of the obvious DEAL MAKERS, but here are some deadly deal breakers, because no matter how much is being fulfilled in my deal maker list, these are the things that can ruin EVERYTHING:

DEADLY DEAL BREAKERS
These are words that will stop my relationship with you in its tracks, or seriously derail us to the point of needing a very long recovery:

"What?! You have got to be kidding me! Animals are MEANT to be used for food and clothing! Humans are carnivores!"
"I really don't see what the problem is if I feel like kissing another guy or flirting with him in front of you (or behind your back)... it's JUST a kiss, for god's sake. And we all need that extra attention from time to time."
"I've cheated on you." (or finding out that he's cheated on me)
"I already know everything I need to know about myself; I'm not really interested in learning more."
"Oh my god, get OVER it!"
"I lied to you."

Those are just a few of the obvious deal breakers, but the list doesn't include the even-more obvious ones of violating Honesty, Communication, and Integrity, which are basic ingredients to a successful and intimate relationship. If those three things are violated in any way, there is trouble.

And I'd like to point out that I DO understand the need for attention from others, even as flirtation and even while in a monogamous relationship, but there is a way to allow room for that without it being a violation to your honesty, communication, and integrity. I also don't like the word "cheating," but I guess it's the only word to use to describe someone who tells you one thing and then does another thing. If you enter a relationship with me KNOWING what is important to me, and you stand strongly with me to encourage that mutual agreement, and then you cheat (on any level: emotionally, physically, etc), then it's not about the act, itself, but about your level of integrity and honesty that has destroyed our intimacy. If want to have sex with someone else, then leave the relationship with me... FIRST. It's just NOT for me to have that kind of a relationship, and I've been there, done that, and frankly, don't need the experience again. You should have the guts to leave me before you would have to cheat on us.

I don't need to impose my rules on you, but I've accepted that it's okay for me to have some.

So there...

It's on record.

The World Is In Love With Chris Garneau

2007-04-03T01:30:00.000-04:00

CHRIS GARNEAU

Well, at least my world is...

I cannot stop listening to him. There is something deeply moving and important in his voice, in his words, and in his person; an emotional genius capturing an undercurrent in all of us that is at once haunting, familiar, and gorgeous, creating a genre of music many are calling "Sadcore," which is ironic because he is so incredibly inspiring.

Chris already has a huge, world cult following and I have seen it grow exponentially over a very short time, but I am still neck-to-neck with a gal on Last.FM for being Chris Garneau's NUMBER ONE FAN, which is as creepy as it is SO COOL! LOL

I haven't been in this much love with music since COCTEAU TWINS. I mean, I have LOVED some great music over time and I have very important bands that contribute to the soundtrack of my life, but there comes along very few who can cradle everything meaningful to you in life and turn it into kind lullabies of art.

I'm surprised Chris hasn't been compared more often to Lisa Germano, another amazing talent in this world who can scoop up the most painful of experiences into a melody, a soft lull of whisper-songs, making all of it seem so worth it.

My ipod has not played much of anything beyond Chris since I first heard of him several months ago (except my boyfriend's wonderful "mixed tapes" he made for me - sighhh). It makes it even better that Chris is so nice, personable, and friendly... free with hugs when I see him, even as I stand there like a shaking deer in headlights, starstruck like I've never been before (i never even understood the term until meeting Chris).

Tonight marks the last time I will be able to see him perform before leaving New York City for Amsterdam, Holland. Check his websites for future dates as his tour begins in May!

I wish for all of you to be able to experience him live, but until then BUY HIS ALBUM, "Music For Tourists"!!

You will NOT regret it.

http://www.MySpace.com/ChrisGarneau
http://www.ChrisGarneau.com

I offer these for you to enjoy...

BETWEEN THE BARS

WE DON'T TRY (2X!!)

The "I don't have my dog" song
(official title unknown to me)

RELIEF

Pulsating Proof of the Point

2007-03-31T16:48:00.000-04:00

CHEMICALS SWIRL
AND FINGERS CURL
AS WE FALL INTO THE TRICKERY OF BIOLOGY

OR SO THEY SAY

EXCEPT
NO BABIES WILL COME OF THIS

SO
WHAT IS THE POINT

OH YEAH
WE LOVE EACH OTHER

MAYBE BABIES WERE NEVER THE POINT

(our love transcends biology)

Paraphrasing Perpetual Stupidity of Heart

2007-03-30T15:19:00.000-04:00

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE ONE
HE: Troy, I have something to tell you.
ME: What?
HE: Seriously, don't get mad.
ME: WHAT?!
HE: This is something important about your move here.
ME: WHAT!
HE: There's only one way to say it...
ME: WHAT!?? My god, WHAT??
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU!
ME: Oh you little snot!
HE: Hee Hee

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE TWO
HE: Hey babe!
ME: Awww... HI!
HE: Well, I've been thinkin and there's something you should know about me before you get here.
ME: What, babe?
HE: It's something big, so maybe I should call you.
ME: WHAT? Oh my god, WHAT?
HE: You gotta be understanding about this, okay?
ME: Of course, no worries... what?
HE: Well...
ME: WHAT??
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU
ME: Ohhhh youuuuu!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE THREE
HE: Oh, I have to tell you what happened today!
ME: WHAT! Oh, exciting!
HE: Not really, it might upset you.
ME: Oh god, what.
HE: Just promise not to be mad?
ME: For real... what? Why would I be mad?
HE: I dunno, but I just thought I should be honest about it.
ME: S'okay... what happened.
HE: I
HE: LOVE
HE: YOU
ME: D'oh! Alright! This is getting old!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE FOUR
HE: Oh god.
ME: What?
HE: I didn't tell you yet.
ME: What, babe?
HE: I have made some plans that might change our plans for your coming here.
ME: WHAT?! What happened?
HE: Well, what was I supposed to do?!
ME: I don't understand... what happened? What plans?
HE: That...
ME: What!
HE: That I love you...
ME: Oh GODDAMMIT this is getting ridiculous! I'm not falling for it again!

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE FIVE
HE: I've never lived with anyone before, so bear with me, okay?
ME: No worries, I know it will be an adjustment for both of us.
HE: Seriously, there are other things to think about, too.
ME: Well, I've always lived with someone and I know what it's like to need space, so no worries.
HE: But this is going to be your home, too.
ME: I know, but I'm very considerate about other people's space, so you just let me know and...
HE: Well, and then...
ME: What?
HE: The other thing you should know about living with me.
ME: What?
HE: I should have told you before you bought your ticket.
ME: Babe, I can deal... what.
HE: Ur gonna have to deal with this,
ME: What?! Don't worry about it. What?
HE: I love you.
ME: GODDAMMIT! Stop that! I keep having anxiety attacks!
HE: I know. It's funny.
ME: I'm NOT falling for it again.
HE: Yes you will.

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE SIX
HE: How's it goin babe!?
ME: Well, I'm very upset today. I have to tell you something big.
HE: What?
ME: Make sure you are sitting down. This could be a shock.
HE: What... that you love me?
ME: GODDAMMIT!!!
HE: ur stupid.
ME: stupid in love.
HE: me too

CONVERSATION PARAPHRASE SEVEN
HE: (same old same old setup)
ME: (same old same old GODDAMMIT!)
HE: u should blog about this
ME: I will, dammit!

So I did.

So here's to being stupid-anxious in love and uprooting your entire existence to move to another continent and country so you can follow your heart and not being embarrassed about how idiotic you look along the way.

Next Stop: AMSTERDAM

2007-03-24T16:12:00.000-04:00

It never EVER occurred to me that I would ever visit Europe, let alone LIVE there, so it goes without saying that I am just as much in shock over my announcement as any of you may be:

I AM MOVING TO AMSTERDAM!

WHAT THE!!?? you say?

This move was prompted by a long journey through situations, scenarios, and synchronicities that had to have all come together in culmination of my choosing to move to another country. Many of the situations and scenarios are things I have bitched about in this very blog, that are now clearly a part of a larger pattern leading me to Amsterdam. I imagine this all began falling into place as part of my breakup from Clem and my distancing from Cyprus. If I was closely connected to either of these two, I would never fathom this choice.

As it stands, these two major falling out scenarios led me to two very important factors being in place:

- space created in my life to move about however I choose, without any negative impact on anyone (besides my American friends missing me, which is heart-breaking!)
- being free from any intimate relationships (i.e. boyfriends) so that I could find myself open to the surprise of my life with a rather old relationship that took on a new spin!

Yup, I have a boyfriend. Yup, he's Dutch. Yup, he lives in Amsterdam. Yup, I'm kinda going on this journey for the sake of following my heart. I like following my heart. It's taken me to far-flung places in the world, inside and out. And I'm not about to start ignoring this incredible navigational tool I have for my life, so...

Over a year-in-the-making, I finally discovered that I am in love with someone I only ever expected would be one of my dearest, long-distance friends. It's the 21st Century, so most of you probably no longer roll your eyes at the idea of "meeting" someone online with whom you eventually develop a strong, loving rapport, but I'm also not ridiculous enough to take that relationship to a place of fantasy. No matter what one might form as a relationship with someone online, it is essentially a relationship with your IDEA of who that person is, not necessarily a relationship with that person. So, none of this ever occurred to me as anything more than a beautifully modern connection with a beautiful soul overseas.

And then he came to visit.

Even then, I was resistant. I was unconsciously avoiding even having contact with him. I was "busy" and I didn't really want to deal with all of it. Upon his arrival, he stayed his first night with an acquaintance of his, and I thought I might be able to see him MAYBE once or twice, but, you know, I was "busy," so probably not.

And then he called me.

And he asked very strongly if he could please stay with me. I immediately, without hesitation, said YES! To this day, I do not know WHY I said it without hesitation. Anyone who knows me knows that I hem and haw and say that I need to check my schedule or think about it, etc. I never just say YES! But I did.

I went to pick him up at our designated meeting place and upon seeing him, I was immediately, quietly, smitten. I quickly ignored this and turned the feelings into my usual, loving affection for a friend. I knew he was just visiting and would be gone, soon, so it was easy to allow the feelings to shift into appreciation.

Cut to many long, precious, transformational days and nights later, and we are both crying our eyes out at being separated by his having to leave, having had incredible dates and walks and conversations and revelations and emotions and an honest look at whether the year together had been leading to this, or if we were just having a magickal time. My initial inclination was to convince the both of us that we were just having a magickal time and that we should keep our wits about us because, really, what were we supposed to do about this important, personal, and shared realization? As we neared the airport, realizing exactly what ignoring the truth would mean, I found myself squirming with resistance inside, but also flooding with surrender to something more beautiful to me than I have experienced in a very, very long time.

As we said our painful, and I mean PAINFUL... burning-eyes, swollen-throat, stomach-wrenching, ugly-cry, PAINFUL goodbye, I STILL said I was only "90% sure." I walked away feeling falsely strong for having left myself 10% open for the doubt and rejection of this huge potential between us.

But that didn't last long.

Within the hour of our departure from each other, I knew it was over for me. I knew it. And when I KNOW something; when it resonates within me like an orchestra of truth, I surrender.

I know I am doing the right thing. I know I am doing the right thing for me. I know I am doing the right thing for us, for my work, for my life. I just... KNOW.

And in that knowing, everything has fallen into place... almost immediately, all required elements are there, making this possible within a very short period of time.

As of May, at some point in May, this will be HOME

When the time feels right and both of us are settled in to a comfortable world together, I will introduce him through my blog, but for now, there is a kind of sanctuary being built together that doesn't include a lot of exposure. My close friends are involved, supportive, and for now, that's all I want for such a huge choice in my life. I didn't make this choice based on any compulsion or zany escape into adventure, but on real thinking, real assessment, real awareness of all of the obvious potential outcomes, and when I ask myself if I would still move there if I knew that my relationship would not last, I still feel a powerful YES.

I'm moving there for something bigger than what prompted all of this and I am ready for anything.

Especially to be Loved.

This is one of the few pivotal points in my life where I see a major, long-term investment in myself and my life and it will be what I make of it, but the impact will go far and wide into my future and relationships.

And I'm finally going to get that damn book published!

Ironically, the only boyfriend with whom I had a relationship that carried such a magic and power to transform my entire life is also living in Amsterdam! No worries, y'all... we are nearly-20-years-in-the-making a magickal friendship that has withstood time, space, hate, love, and everything between. Furthermore, he has been vital to my being able to move to Amsterdam and understand the process of gaining residency so that my boyfriend and I can be together on the same continent.

Isn't life AMAZING?!!

More details to come...

An Ocean Apart

2007-03-08T02:37:00.000-05:00

AN OCEAN APART
(for him)

Now we are together
sitting outside in the sunshine
But soon we'll be apart
and soon it'll be night at noon

Now things are fine
the clouds are far away up in the sky
But soon I'll be on a plane
and soon you'll feel the cold rain

You promised to stay in touch
when we're apart
You promised before i left
that you'll always love me.

Time goes by
and people cry
and everything goes too fast

Now we have each other
enjoying each moment
with one another
But soon I'll be miles away
and soon the phone will be our only way

Now I'm in your arms
Feeling pure love and awe
but soon I'll be alone
and soon your voice will change in tone

You promised we'll never break up
over the telephone
You said our love was stronger
than an ocean apart

Time goes by and people lie
and everything goes too fast

Let's not fool ourselves in vain
this far away trip will give us pain
We'll have to be so strong
to keep our love from going wrong

Distance will make us cold
even put our love on hold
But soon we'll meet again
and soon it'll be bright at noon again

You promised not to lose faith
in our love when i'm away
You promised so much to me
but now you've left me

We go by and then we lie
and all this time we wasted
Time goes by
and people lie
and everything goes too fast

Time went by
and then we died
and everything went too fast

everything went too fast
everything went too fast
everything went too fast

- Julie Delpy / Before Sunset

Troy And Michael Speak!

2007-02-23T01:33:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know of my work in channeling and counseling, it might come as a treat for you to know that I have also been putting together audio podcasts to complement the work at the TruthLoveEnergy.com site!

If you have NO interest in channeling, metaphysics, and other philosophical ponderings about the self, the universe, and life, then this podcast will probably bore the hell out of you. BUT, if you know my work, or you have even the most remote interest in self-awareness, personal growth, spirituality, etc., you just might get a little inspiration from this work.

Before listening to a podcast, it's a really good idea to read the BASIC INTRO at the site so that you have a little idea about the basic terminology. There is also a JANUARY podcast that you may have missed!

February 2007: Energy Report, Past Lives, Ghosts, Old Souls, and Defensiveness

EPISODE 2.1
February 2007

This episode focuses on: The ENERGY REPORT from Michael for the first three months of the year; IN THE NEWS with a bizarre and intriguing past life tale behind the recent comical plot of the Astronaut woman to keep her man; BACK TO BASICS with a focus on how to better understand and use the Focused/Creative Energy Ratio and Frequency of our Souls; BEYOND THE BASICS opens the floor to Michael for sharing their perception of what a "ghost" really is; LISTENER EMAILS bring comments from Michael about what Older Souls can do internally and externally as a way to attract and nurture relationships with other Older Souls; and MINI-MICHAEL focuses on DEFENSIVENESS and ways to catch it, understand it, and use it to our advantage for self-awareness.

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ENJOY!

The Coveted Color of BLACK

2007-02-09T01:42:00.000-05:00

Harold Ford, Jr above IS BLACK (enough),

but Barack Obama below is NOT BLACK (enough)

And Oprah "USED to be Black..."

What does it mean when someone who is "Black" is considered NOT Black by other Blacks?

I just saw the interview with DEBRA DICKERSON, author of THE END OF BLACKNESS, on Colbert Report who claims that for a Black person to have a right to claim he or she is "Black," he or she must be descendants of slaves and regularly suffer discrimination. Ironically, I would think this BROADENS the range of people who could then be called "Black," countering her efforts.

This question of "Blackness" seems to be raised by the wake of Barack Obama's potential Presidential candidacy, who is Black, but... apparently NOT "Black enough." According to several political commentaries and "officially" Black authors, bloggers, and writers and speakers, if a Black person does not suffer victimization on a constant basis and is not a direct descendant of slaves, then he or she is just... NOT Black. It's even said that Oprah Winfrey is not Black "anymore," which is meant as a condemning comment against her philanthropic wealth and her broad appeal, which happens to include a vast array of White women. So, this means you can actually LOSE your Blackness? It is also claimed that "Blackness" is a commodity that needs to be harnessed by the "appropriate" "Black" people so that it can be used more powerfully in politics and not as just another word for "Negro."

Needless to say, I'm very confused.

I wonder why such an emphasis on this differentiation? I've even read it put as "they are not one of us!" To me, this is getting unhealthy, but maybe I am just not understanding. There are multitude versions of "Whites," but no one nationality or group lays claim to it as a political power or eager banner of pride, and when they DO, they are considered extremists and they are really scary people ("White Power" bullshit).

So is all of this a matter of "Black Extremists," or are they on to something legitimate here that we should begin to consider more seriously and carefully?

Lava Love II

2007-01-28T18:44:00.000-05:00

Well, this is interesting...

Following my Lava Love dream the other night, and then the bird dream that was followed by contact with a real bird, the Lava Love dream now seems to have a counterpart in Waking State. I turn on the T.V. tonight for some background noise as I work, and what do I find... a movie on SciFi called DISASTER ZONE: Volcano In New York! LOL! Yes, it is over-dramatic and filled with stock footage, but I just thought the synchronicity was interesting. Especially as the visuals have the ground softening, boiling up, and swallowing homes and buildings. It's not QUITE the apocalypse of my dream the other night, but it's just... interesting.